I am a Muslim and have been married for six years now. I recently received news that my husband has another family. I know my religion permits this but I made it clear to him that I wouldn’t tolerate it and he agreed to stay monogomous.

My kids are aged five and three and my co-wife’s are four and three. She is also pregnant. My sisters-in-law know her and meet up with my husband at her home but they never come to mine. My husband works upcountry but comes home over the weekend.

However, I realised he has been absent very many weekends, and always gives me stories. I suspect he goes to her house. Before we got married, my husband had three kids with a previous wife and to make matters worse, they spend holidays with this woman. What should I do? Confront my hubby and tell him to choose a family?

Please advise me because I’m broken.

Yudayah

The counselor’s thoughts...

It’s no secret that one of the most important doctrines about Islamic marriage is that which allows men to marry up to four wives, provided they can afford to agreeably and fairly provide for all of them. So every woman who offers to join such a marriage, whether from an Islamic background or not, must have complete knowledge about this widely cherished policy.

When time and circumstances converge leading to the introduction of a co-wife, the necessity to adjust and learn to appreciate this new change becomes justifiably crucial in a religious spirit.

As for your case, I am sure you knew your husband’s faith before you decided to marry him.

The only challenge you’re now faced with is to tactfully improvise strategic ways of ensuring peace and tranquility in this marriage and get rid of the emotional turmoil you’re currently undergoing as you prepare more room to accommodate similar news sooner or later. Most men are women hunters and are never satisfied with just one wife.

Others are pushed to behave that way, as a result of their wives’ pathetic conduct. It’s therefore vital that you first check yourself, examining any possible misconduct that may be pushing him away. Find out any unique behaviour that your co-wife possesses which attracts him to her so you can apply the same or even more to win his heart back. If you discover any other extra love affair, don’t over react but rather, use the following nonviolent tactics to soften his heart;

Love him more than ever. Create new styles and actions like surprising him with small gifts, give good care, be closer to him whenever he is available, show your appreciation for the good things he does, be sorry for the mistakes you could possibly have made and let him help you correct them, avoid direct criticism and don’t think of revenge. Believe me this man will see a great wife in you and his world will have only you and him in it.

Your feedback: Readers advise Yudayah

Confrotation will make it worse

Sharon Harerimana

Marriage has never been easy but it is such problems that make women stronger. Regardless of the fact that your husband said he’d never take on another wife, you need to understand that things change. If your husband still loves you despite having another family, you need to let go of your anger and disappointment and concentrate on raising your children. Don’t confront your husband. It will only make matters worse.

Settle for that

Servelien Ndahayo

If your husband is still committed to supporting you and your children, as well as capable of taking care of two families, then in my humble opinion, you should settle for that and prioritise your own family. Besides, your husband’s religion allows him to be polygamous.

Your children need you both

Prossy Hategeka

It’s unfair that your husband lied to you about monogamy but there is nothing you can do about it now. I advise you to look at this situation positively; your children still need both their parents, so settle the matter calmly with your husband like adults and avoid confrontations that might destroy your family.

Marriage is about compromise

Yvonne Nyirahabineza

Confronting your husband might result into divorce and I doubt that is something you wish to experience. Have a clear talk with your husband; agree on how he will be consistently supporting your family and how often he will be at your home. Talking will help a lot.

Secure your family’s future

Zabroni Rukundo

Now that you know your husband has another family, the best thing to do is to focus on how to secure a promising future for your own family. Make sure your husband still provides for your children’s needs and try to move on with your life. If you’re Muslim, bear with it.

Compiled by Dennis Agaba

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Tolerate it

Eric Nshimiyimana

It shouldn’t matter that your husband has another family to take care of; the point is he is still your husband and it seems he is still committed to his responsibilities. You have to tolerate it as a mother and a wife because confronting him won’t change the fact that he has another wife.

Learn from others

Amos Tumusiime

A friend of mine went through the same situation and ignored our advice to not confront her husband. She did it. Her husband left her with three kids and life became too tough for her to endure alone. Don’t fall in the same pit.

Win him back

Jacky Mukashema

It’s good that you now know the truth behind your husband’s disappearance when he is supposed to be at home with your family. The best thing is to focus on getting his attention back. Honestly, the journey won’t be easy but you need to win your husband’s attention back.

Talk to someone in your position

Phiona Kamikazi

In my opinion, you should consider talking to another woman with a polygamous husband. Perhaps she can advise you accordingly on how to tolerant and stay in love with your husband as well have a fair relationship with your co-wife. I hope that helps.

His religion permits it

Praise Mutesi

We all know the result if you choose to confront your husband. The kids will be in the middle of the situation. The best way is to understand your husband and know that his religion allows him to have another family.

Forgive him

Donatha Kamaliza

Those are the difficulties of marriage and every woman faces similar situations but the best part is how you get over it. Forgive your husband and discuss ways you’re going to raise your children and stay united as a couple. That is what matters in marriage.

Bond with your co-wife

Arnold Mutabazi

Talk to your husband about it and show him that you’re ready to move on despite the fact that he lied to you. Furthermore, find ways to unite with your co-wife; it’s through this bond that your husband will refrain from keeping secrets and telling lies.

Make sure he is committed to his responsibilities

Justine K

Bear it. As long as your husband is willing to support your children and cater for all their needs as before, be a strong woman and move on with your life. Just be alert and make sure he is committed to his responsibilities.