Rather than reveal her tragedy to her children, Marie toyed with the idea of suicide. It was while contemplating suicide that she realised that after surviving such a harrowing ordeal that has left her a Genocide widow, survivor, and a mother of three living with HIV/Aids, she had endured too much to succumb to a ‘weak thought’ such as taking her own life for fear of ‘shame’.

Marie lives in Kanyetabi settlement community in Rusheshe Cell, Masaka Sector in Kicukiro District, where the government has built over 260 fully furnished homes for survivors of the 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi, widows, orphans and Rwandans who were evicted from Tanzania in 2013.

The settlement, expected to eventually have 350 homes in total, was commissioned by President Paul Kagame in February, last year.

Marie is not her real name, and the ordeal of the 50-year-old Genocide survivor is too harrowing to fathom how strong she has stood the time.

Surviving death in the 1994 pogrom itself was a miraculous escape, but the gang rape at the hands of Interahamwe militia during Genocide left her wishing she had been killed instead.

She is a mother of three children; two boys and one girl – all born after the Genocide. The family lived in Gitarama, currently Muhanga District, before they were relocated to the settlement by the government.

The humiliation

Marie – and her family – lived in Matyazo Village, Ngoma Sector (now in Huye District) before that fateful rainy morning in June 1994.

She watched a gang of about 30 Interahamwe militiamen walk into their family courtyard, butchering her husband, her only two children at the time, and both her parents. But the villains kept her alive to satisfy their sordid desire.

"After killing my husband, children and relatives, they spared me and instead begun raping me. My womanhood was damaged, and the worst part would only unfold years later when I tested positive for HIV,” Marie says softly.

Unbeknown to Marie, she was carrying a child during the ordeal. She would give birth shortly after the Genocide wa stopped in July 1994.

The child that survived that ordeal is now a final year student at a vocational training college.

"What humiliated me most was that after raping me, they got a huge stick and shoved it into my private parts, which I only realised after regaining consciousness. Since then I have had endless blood discharge.”

Lucky was her sister who was married to a Canadian at the time and a brother who was outside the country.

"The militiamen hacked me with a machete in the head. I passed out and they begun raping me, leaving me to die. Later, I gained consciousness and walked to the nearest deserted house, where I hid for a few days until the Rwanda Patriotic (RPF) rescued me,” she says.

Some of her assailants were family friends and neighbours; a few have been arrested and are serving sentences, but others were never traced.

However, revenge is not in Marie’s vocabulary; she has since forgiven those who committed the atrocities to her and her family.

After the Genocide, Marie became withdrawn, almost colloused. She would not associate with others or reveal her ordeal to anybody other than her children.

"It is so amazing that I can now sit and talk to you, freely and even smile,” she says, but moments later, she is overcome by emotions and breaks down and the conversation stops for about 10 minutes while she regains her composure.

"It’s the wound in the heart that will never heal. But I have learnt to smile and live on.”

Unlike many survivors, Marie’s woes did not stop with the Genocide. As a result of rape and other horrific experience, she would regularly experience trauma seizures causing her to pass out. She still experiences these symptoms of trauma.

Twice during such episodes of passing out, she was raped. And each rape bore forth a child; a boy aged 18 and a girl of 14.

"Up to now, I don’t know the fathers of my two younger children,” Marie says.

Children speak out

When her children were growing up, they demanded to know their father. The helpless mother found it difficult to tell the story to the extent that she thought of committing suicide. But it never took long before she opened up to them.

"It was so sad to hear the story, but we learnt to accept the truth. We are proud of our mother, she has such a scary life story, much like a horror movie,” said the older of the two.

His young sister told The New Times that the two no longer dwell in the past, but rather are trying hard to make their mother proud.

"Hopefully, someday we will be able to complete our education, get jobs and support our mother,” the girl says.They both go to a nearby public school, but their mother’s health condition affects their education.

"I go for medical checkup every three months, which is costly. Sadly, they are aware of the pain I go through every day; this has affected their performance at school too. I wish I could take them to better schools, but my family depends on government and organisations that look after Genocide survivors,” Marie says.

Second chance at life

The family now lives in a fully furnished three-bedroom house – complete with a living room, and two annexes. Marie and her children say it is a second chance at life.

"The house we lived in before did not have windows, no electricity; it was a cave. I know, it is God who sent Inkotanyi (RPF) to save us and was generous enough to give us good leaders,” she says.

Nothing can replace what she lost, but Marie is content that she survived the Genocide and has lived to raise her children.

She gets free medical care from We-Actx, a non-government organisation that provides medical services to 2,250 people living with HIV.

During the Genocide, an estimated 250,000 women experienced rape, torture and violence. Many of them contracted the virus.

Marie survives on a Rwf20,000 monthly allowance from the local administration.

The 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi claimed more than a million people.

editorial@newtimes.co.rw