I NEVER GOT TO EXPERIENCE IT, but it’s always narrated to me how elated my mother was when she found out she had given birth to a baby girl; yours truly. After several attempts to have a daughter and instead giving birth to four sons in a row, she finally had me. Perhaps nothing attests to her joy when I finally arrived than the name she gave me; "Murekatete”, which loosely translates TO "leave her to do as she pleases.”

I still have memories of how my mum treated, favoured, and cared for me early on in my early life.

A golden child, I was shielded from a lot. In my upbringing, at least the first nine years were characterised by all my needs met i.e emotionally, material etc. This abruptly changed following the passing of my mother. All the guard I had was suddenly ripped away and I had to quickly mature. I had to assume a role unknown to me and follow a script I did not assent to. It dawned on me that I had an image I had to conform to.

For one, I was expected to assume the household chores. I had to clean the premises, quickly learn how to make basic meals and care for my siblings, at least the younger ones. This I had to do while my older brothers engaged in other activities out of the home. It was a constant reminder from all our family members and acquaintances of my need to grow up and be responsible over the household. Imagine the transition from a life of innocence and privilege, to becoming an orphan and swiftly assume a maternal role at the age of nine. A role I attained with no prior training whatsoever. It came to the awareness of my impressionable mind that in playing the role, I will stick to the script. I will embody certain qualities as was constantly reiterated to me by my relatives and everyone around. I will not speak loudly; I will not stand next to a boy let alone spend too much time around them; I cannot wake up too late; I cannot sit a certain way (best way is to not occupy too much space, therefore no spreading your legs wide), I can’t talk too much, and I can’t go out to play without getting the chores done first.

It turns out the role that was Inherent to me, I did not require experience for and came with skills I was sharpening as I was on the job, was being a GIRL.

Anger, frustration....

Fast forward, about a few years ago, I had to meet a gentleman at a hotel they were staying at in Kigali. After my attempts to reach him by phone were in vain, I requested the receptionist to call his room. That was in vain too. Being persistent, I requested the receptionist to try reaching him by calling the restaurant. Evidently irate, the receptionist blatantly uttered; "but what is wrong with you girls, why don’t you leave the man alone?” Confused and shocked, I requested for clarity which he generously provided, "aren’t you ashamed that you come to be prostitutes at hotels?”

Dumbfounded by anger and frustration and careful not to be combative I walked away. I always watched, heard, and conversed about overt sexism and occasionally experienced covert version of it. However, to plainly and overtly experience it in my face, it was completely shocking. Myriads of questions crossed my mind. Was it how I was dressed? Was it how I spoke? Why didn’t I confront him?

When I was done with what brought me to the hotel, I made a point to go back to the receptionist and explained that the gentleman I was meeting was actually my father, to which he nonchalantly and in an indifferent tone responded, "Oh that’s nice”. Seemingly oblivious to how our encounter had affected me to the core. The encounter triggered thoughts of who I am as a person. Was I as nuanced as I thought I was as an individual? Or Was I a perfect monolithic fit of how my sex is expected to be? What did it mean to be female? What are the merits and demerits of subscribing to this gender? In this reflection, I became cognizant of how my life, looking back to when I was nine years, had been shaped by my sex.

The incident and subsequent reflections became a genesis for a renaissance for me. I became more vocal against sexism, gender biasness and misogyny. I became conscious of acts of overt and internalised acts of gender-based discrimination and sexism all around me. With the awareness came the responsibility to speak out regardless of potential backlash or at the risk of being characterised as a nuisance. An important fact for me is that I am mother to a daughter and son, who I would love to live in a world that is free from injustices or one that puts them on leashes of gender or sex-related constraints. I would also love for them to be bold enough to speak out against injustices.

We must deliberately push back

In a recent staff gender reflection meeting held at Never Again Rwanda offices, my workplace, we got an opportunity to dialogue about gender roles, stereotypes, and unpaid care work. Sentiments shared gave me a flashback of the incident at the hotel. Listening to the diverse ideas and perspectives, I got to realise how gender biasness is pervasive. How, as a society, we are conditioned and socialised into biases that unfortunately commence from birth to infancy and to adulthood. Notions like, it is a ‘natural thing’ for women to perform care work or that men are ‘naturally’ sole providers for their families etc. The reflection meeting took note of numerous studies that have debunked many of the society-created differences and role relegations and how harmful and restrictive they can be, yet our world remains stubbornly gendered.

Girls and women are born into roles and a system that shaped their lives and it is harmful. On many occasions, their sex defines experiences that leave physical and psychological scars. A system that is equally limiting to boys and men.

As we drive the national development agenda, through different activities, all actors (civil society, government, and private sector) ought to be deliberate at deconstructing gender stereotypes, biases, and prejudices so that women and men can live fully dignified lives where they are free to live to their utmost potential. In our development interventions, we ought to design and implement programmes that are gender transformative. Programmes that create opportunities for individuals to actively challenge gender norms, promote positions of social and political influence for women in communities, and address power inequities between persons of different genders.

Indeed, as I continuously navigate the world of gender bias, both personally and in my professional life, I am reminded that I have a role to play in championing and advancing gender equality.

The writer is a communications and media enthusiast .

editor@newtimesrwanda.com