Dear doctor;

I am 32 now but I have never felt like living with a man. When I lost my virginity, it was in high school and I never understand why people fuss so much about sex. Am I normal? My relatives are not happy with my spinster life and have been putting pressure on me. Is there a way I could find interest in men and sex?

Dora, Karongi.

Dear Dora,

Maybe when you experienced intercourse for first time, it was merely a pastime or done out of curiosity, but certainly not a serious relationship. Maybe due to the inexperience and fear of being caught at that age (teenage sex is always discouraged), you did not enjoy it and consider sex boring even now.  As one grows older it is always normal to find a partner and have a serious relationship involving regular sex. If there is no desire in sex, it is a state of frigidity or hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

There are numerous emotional and physical factors which can make a woman lose interest in sex. Some bad experience with sex as a child, that is, being abused by a relative or friend can make a woman lose interest in sex. Witnessing quarrels between parents or other older couples, domestic violence, lack of adequate privacy, emotional stress, fear of getting pregnant or acquiring sexually transmitted diseases, are some of the emotional factors that can cause frigidity. Mental stress can lead to tightening of vaginal muscles, where sex becomes painful, making a woman frigid.

Physical stress, exhaustion, pelvic infections, uterine infections, myomas, are some of the local conditions which kill sexual desire. Hormonal disorders with low estrogen levels reduce sexual drive in women.

Declining estrogen levels in perimenopausal or menopausal age also cause a woman to lose interest in sex. Some drugs like the ones used for hypertension, antidepressant and anti anxiety drugs result in reduced desire for sex in women. Uncontrolled diabetes over time can cause frigidity in women. One may have any one or more of these reasons for not having any interest in sex.

Marriage is not only for sex. It provides companionship and physical and emotional support which is useful in middle and older years of life. Raising a family makes life purposeful and enjoyable. You are still young. It is high time you found a suitable man and married. Emotional love and bonding, along with foreplay and physical intimacy, arouses the desire for sex and make intercourse enjoyable. If after marriage and adopting adequate measures, you fail to have sexual desire it is better to be investigated for hormonal disorders or infections and get them treated.