My 20 year-old-step son, soon to be 21 is tearing my family apart. His out of control antics started about three years ago, stealing, drug use, verbal abuse towards everyone in the family, and destruction of our home.

His father and I have tried to talk to him but he doesn’t listen. I love my husband, his father, and I don’t want to come off as the evil step mum who sent his child away. However I’m scared that his behaviour might rub off my 16 year-old-son. Should I send him away to his mother? For the sake of my son, what should I do?

Bridgette

The counselor’s thoughts...

Issues concerning a stepchild are absolutely a complex task and to get over it requires an extraordinary level of patience, commitment and forgiveness. In the first place, you should work hard to clear yourself off that general feeling and attitude about a common mention of a stepchild. Try as much as possible to first consider him as your own then find strategic ways of helping him change his behaviour in a friendly manner.

Here, daddy and mummy should sit down and lay out ground rules that should be binding to all the children indiscriminately. This will make the stepchild feel like part of the family and hopefully learn to behave well.

Another important strategy is his education, providing his general school and home needs and parental guidance and counseling. As a parent you should be able to understand that this boy is at such a critical age which is associated with a multitude of chaotic body changes that need parental guidance. You’re therefore charged with this responsibility in order to help this boy grow to full maturity when he will realise his past mistake and will have all reasons to appreciate you for showing him direction.

This is a big challenge in marriage and therefore you’re tasked to do everything within your means to find an enduring solution to it. It may not be solved overnight but gradually, be persistent by using soft but sure tactics to have this boy close to you as a good step mum.

Sending him away will not erase the fact that he is born to your husband and may become quite dangerous to both you and his father in the future. You should not allow your marriage to be torn apart because you have such a loving, caring and understanding husband.

These two children need each other as siblings and if you separate then, this may destroy that bond which is very necessary to them by virtue of being brothers. Life is entirely about compromise and filled with tasks that irritate temper, but this doesn’t meant that whoever pisses you off should just be eliminated from your presence.

Your feedback: Readers advise Bridgette

He is your son too

Nancy Ingabire

Stop looking at your husband’s son as someone that will negatively influence your son but as an elder brother to him. That way, you will help your husband deal with the issue rather than thinking only about your son. They are both your children now that you are married and that affects both of you.

He needs rehabilitation

Servias Kwitonda

There’re so many correction centres. Ask your husband to take him there before your son also gets infected with such addictive behaviors that will be very hard to tame if it’s too late.

Fix the problem as a family

Lenora Mambo

Children in their early 20’s always pick up such acts and they think they are cool. Your worry shouldn’t be so much about your son as it isn’t easily passed on. Your worry should be about how you and your husband will handle that son. Work it out together.

Act like a mother

Jean Marc Hugura

Men like women that take charge of situations. Act like a mother and you won’t have to worry about anything. As a matter of fact, it might make your husband love you more. Discipline that boy in a way a mother would. Assume he is your son.

You need the Lord’s guidance

Mariam Skyaka

You have a big problem but make sure that whatever you do, it doesn’t give the impression that you are doing it because he isn’t your son. Pray about it and ask for guidance at all times. Don’t let your fear lead you into to banishing this boy as he is your step son.

Talk to your husband about the situation

Frank Mubiru

Boys always go astray and I know his dad will understand if you discuss your worries with him. In his mind he is also looking for answers and communication is key at this point. Don’t let your worry bury you. The solution is in talking to your husband.

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Protect your son

Sam Bihangane

Bad habits among boys are contagious. Protect your child from evil and you won’t have to deal with two hard-headed children.

Look out for your family

Kenneth T

I know it is wrong to send him away but if that will keep your son safe then you don’t have much of a choice. What if he starts offering him drugs and sneaking him out of the house to go drinking? Your son is only 16 and doesn’t know any better. Do something!

He might harm your family

Colombe Max

Send him off to a rehab centre before he does harm to any of you in that house.

Handle it as parents

Happy Umufasha

As parents, you should act upon it. Then you will not worry about what each of you does separately.

He needs a mother

Signorine Mugabo

He is ready to listen if you treat and love him like a mother and not someone that you are doing a favour. Get close to him. You might be the bridge between him and the father.

Stay away from him

Simon Masezerano

A child who is addicted to something will do anything. You need to keep him far from not only your son, but yourself as well.

He is your responsibilty

Solomon P Sekyanzi

When you married his father, he became your responsibilty too. Don’t send him off like he has nothing to do with you.

He needs to know that you care

Stephen

He is just an ordinary boy who needs guidance from people who love him. Sending him away will only make him feel rejected and that will not help the situation. He needs to know that you care about him, so help him accordingly.

Vox pop by P. Buchana