The parent

The greatest story ever told, the birth of Christ, will be voiced till the human race goes extinct. Save for the fact that God’s own son was born to human parents, our fascination with it stems right from His (Jesus) conception. The Women Today team put a few scenarios in place regarding Mary’s Immaculate Conception in this era.

There is a line of thought and belief that anything is possible and not every action or event is supposed to make sense. But all that would go out of the window if my daughter walked up to me saying that the Holy Spirit and the grace of God were responsible for her pregnancy.

It would not be my fault though; it is such statements that qualify patients for psychiatrist wards and treatment. I imagine that this is how the conversation would go.

"Her: Hey dad?Me: Hi my dear? How did you sleep?Her: I slept well, thank God. Can I talk to you for a minute?Me: (holding out a hand) Hold on a minute, trying to catch the last recap of the news bulletin, they are saying something funny about the North Korean President.Her: It is important, you are going to be a grandfather; I am pregnant.

Me: (drops tea cup and jumps off seat). You just began campus, you are only 20 years old and when did you begin sleeping around? Who is responsible? I hope he has health insurance; he will need it when I am done with him, if he is alive that is!Her: I know you will not believe me but God is responsible, I conceived through the Holy Spirit, I am carrying the future Saviour of the world. The angel told me…

Me: (interrupts her mid-way) You have not only become irresponsible and began sleeping around, you are also using drugs. Where did we go wrong while trying to raise you? Let your mother come in and hear this. I told her she was too nice to you, all this time you were pretending to go to church, you were sleeping around?(Her mother is listening from the next room, she collapses and faints).Her: An angel appeared and told me that I am carrying a blessed child who will be the Saviour of mankind. He will be called Jesus.

Me: Get out now, I did not raise you to be like this. Out!!! And if I find that boy, whatever his name is, he will never impregnate anybody else, and I might also serve life imprisonment.”Truth be told, there is nothing can prepare me or hold together my sanity, if my daughter or sister said that her conception was courtesy of the Holy Spirit. See, as much as we want to believe in infinite possibilities, miracles and wonders, some would loosen a few screws in your mind. This is definitely one of them.

Collins

The friend

The Holy Book gave me the impression that to birth Jesus, one has to be pure; clean as a whistle to be exact. You see, Mary was no ordinary woman; for starters she was a virgin, and she had also devoted her life to God in a manner that wasn’t usual, a manner that pleased Him so much that He couldn’t find a better candidate to be the mother of His son. Well, at least according to what I’ve read.

Since my friends and I are one and the same, you will understand why I’d have trouble believing that one friend was chosen to give birth to the Saviour. First of all, if we are to follow the criteria, Mary was a very young virgin (some sites say she was about 12-14 years old when Angel Gabriel visited her). I think it is safe to say that I would be hanging with the wrong crowd and in dire need of some peeps my own age if any of my friends fit that bill.

But let’s say that God reconsiders what it takes to birth his Son; and she doesn’t necessarily have to be a virgin, I still strongly believe that the girl who guzzles tequila shots like her life depends on it is as fit to birth Christ as I am. And the thought of myself as ‘the chosen one’, makes me laugh so hard, my bladder misbehaves (excuse the revelation).

Because I love my friends and would do anything, but kill, for them, if she insists on some winged creature visiting her in the night, I’d try not to laugh, for this is no joke – this is definitely a very serious case of dementia. Either that or her drunken hallucinations (like the guy with missing teeth, a bald head and acne suddenly looking like David Beckham) have hit an unusual level.

I imagine it is time for her to lay off the tequila or any other substance whose side effects involve fantasies of angels and immaculate conceptions. If we are housemates, I will proceed to sleep with one eye open; you just can’t trust the girl who is suddenly seeing angels and claiming Jesus is about to grow inside her uterus.

Bigger issues will arise when a baby bump pops and I can’t remember the last time I even saw her smile at a man let alone go out with one. I will assume this was the result of a very embarrassing one night stand.

At this point, her story about being impregnated by the Holy Spirit will be downright creepy. I will suggest some sort of psychiatric help but I doubt Ndera has the power to deal with a case of this nature (no offense). This will need divine intervention but then, again, technically and apparently, divine intervention got her pregnant.

I’m assuming her parents will want to know about their pending "grandchild” but then again, this is not the kind of story you give to old folks with weak hearts. So for both our sakes, I will ask her to keep her troubling story between us. We will have to tell her parents that the father of the kid went back to his country, Ghana, or something similarly distant.

Even as the madness continues, I’m not one to give up on a friend, so I will stick around and pray for a more authentic miracle, like the return of her sanity, for example. Seeing as that will not happen, the madness will catch up with me and I will have no choice but to play along.

And when labour comes? Yes, I’ll gladly follow her to the hospital, and help her change "Jesus’” diaper. In the event that she was actually telling the truth, it should count for something in God’s good books, right?

Rachel

The authorities

The Bible says Mary was about 12-14 years old when angel Gabriel appeared to her. In the old days, it was a common custom for women to get married at that age. Today, law enforcers wouldn’t rest until the man is arrested.

Unlike many acts, pregnancy can’t be hidden. It has to show at some point. As a policeman, if news of a young girl claiming to be the next Mary gets to me, without even thinking twice, I will run to her parents’ home with more policemen to search for the shameless man who got her pregnant. Yes, unless I have been at work for two months straight, night and day, and therefore can’t think straight because I am in need of some serious sleep, my brain will never accept that story. It will make more sense that a man got her pregnant and because she is underage, he took off and left her to come up with a suitable story for her mess. And let’s face it, even if her story is true, in this era, only a child can expect you to believe it.

Because I remember the kind of girl that Mary was, very holy and pure, I will insist on confronting the girl about her real baby daddy as it is impossible to find anything pure these days. She will stick to her story. But I will give her the benefit of the doubt assuming her dreams are perhaps more real than ours.

But her refusal to quit the angel story will force me to suggest a room for her at Ndera Psychiatric Hospital while we go off to search for the pedophile that got her pregnant.

All the male friends that she was spending time with will be arrested and taken in for questioning, together with the parents that didn’t properly watch the young teenager. After intense investigation, no particular boy will be found guilty of fathering the child.

I will then have to go to her school and bring in the matrons, class teachers and any other responsible authorities for questioning on how a 12-year-old is having sexual relations without their notice. Maybe I could charge them with careless handling of the minors that they are responsible for. After a while, the girl’s stomach will grow and doctors will test to see if she is in fact a virgin. To everyone’s shock, she will be. That is where the problems start. My superior will want to know how far I’ve gone with the case, and telling him that a virgin was in fact pregnant might confirm a holiday off in Ndera for myself.

The thought of resigning will cross my mind as I will also question my own sanity. However, after that, I’ll imagine things are only going to get weirder, and because I am there to keep law and order, being the one most traumatised by the events (trust me, this is some scary stuff), it will be a bad idea for me to stick around. I will relocate to another country (the farther the better), and listen out for any strange happenings, like a girl claiming to give birth to the Messiah, for example.

Patrick

The boyfriend

"The test read positive”. I imagine that statement coming from my girlfriend who, after we decided to wait until marriage to have sex, is telling me that she is pregnant. She’s trying to convince me that an angel appeared to her and told her she’ll give birth to the Messiah.

First of all, as the boyfriend I will think she’s high on some drugs which can only be found in Colombia. Why would I believe her? This is the 21st century where promiscuity is at the highest level and here is my beautiful girlfriend trying to tell me that she’s carrying God’s child.

I will want to know if there were any witnesses when the angel appeared to her. Ordinary events require ordinary evidence, but extraordinary events require extraordinary evidence. Because, by any measure, this is an extraordinary event, yet there is no evidence to support it. If God, as she says, chose her to carry the Messiah, why didn’t the same God let me do the work of impregnating her?

If I want to prove that indeed she’s carrying God’s child, how will I do that? I will need God’s DNA but the ladders that are supposed to get me to Him require mourning after lowering my body six feet under. I don’t think it is a journey I want to take. Now what are my options?

The first phone call will be to Ndera Neuropsychiatric Hospital (Caraes) to make an appointment for a mental check-up. Secondly, I will ask her what she has been drinking or smoking because, however much I like to believe that miracles do happen, God would be taking it overboard.

However much I know that it is common for girls to get pregnant out of wedlock and don’t even want to get married or have any relationship with their baby-daddies, most, if not all girls, love to have the man in their life.

The last thing that I will probably ask her of to do is to undergo a virginity test. Does the test even exist? Either way, I will think that she cheated on me but wants me to be responsible for the child, maybe because I might make a better father than the guy who inserted the seed.

Although I wouldn’t mind taking care of a child who’s not mine, I wouldn’t condone a girl who is comfortable sleeping with another man. That story simply wouldn’t make sense in today’s world.

Dean

The religious leader

In this era, the idea of a woman being chosen to birth the Messiah is as believable as a pagan’s prayer.

But as a religious leader, you can see how this will be a predicament for me. First of all, as a woman of God, I’m expected to have faith, blind faith. Yes, that faith where one dares you to jump off a bridge if you believe God will catch you.

So, I can’t laugh, sneer or even frown at the sentence ‘I conceived by the Holy Spirit’.

I might not like that some girl, probably high on ecstasy, is out claiming to be the next Virgin Mary, because the number of false prophets and people claiming to do God’s work is worrying.

This might just be another person using the Lord’s name to seek attention.

But I cannot doubt. God does not like doubters. I have to believe, no matter how ridiculous the story sounds. Seeing as everyone else will find it best to get her mental assistance and perhaps some drug tests, I am her only sanctuary. I will have to get her a room in the convent, monastery or whatever my religion has to offer where she can stay and be at peace.

During her pregnancy, the word about a virgin or "woman carrying God’s child” will spread like a bush fire. Journalists will come over hoping for an interview. But I will not let them mock God’s child. I am a believer, remember? I will send them away faster than they can say ‘blasphemy’.

Because this might just be the biggest story ever, the journalists will camp outside and wait till she is in labour if they have to. They will sing Christmas carols and light candles, the sarcastic ones will place gifts ranging from baby jelly to Huggies pampers at the door since in this era, things like gold, myrrh and frankincense are a little old school.

Naturally, people will be on the lookout for a very rare star; and of course, the men that will follow that star. The old story says wise men came from the East in search of the King after seeing a star. In this era, I’m guessing some astronomy major will discover a rare star and post on Facebook or Twitter about his search for the new King.

At this point, to outsiders, the question about my own sanity will be a no brainer. But I don’t care. I have faith. And when it is time to go into labour, we all know that the woman destined to birth Christ will pop the baby from just about anywhere.

I will probably call a midwife just to be on the safe side, although faith tells me that the new Mary will be just fine. I can’t take her to the hospital because journalists will be everywhere.

The events that follow, well, let’s just say that as a person in my position, there’s simply no way out but to help the girl.

Donah