By the age of 22, I had two boys. Later, I separated from the father of these kids and met someone else. He was kind and I fell for him. Although he lived far from me, he had a good job and even bought a house for us.

After we moved in together I got a job and he lost his. We got married but since then, things have gone downhill. He never has any money yet there are bills to clear. He won’t find another job and only works now and then if someone asks him to do something. I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. It’s like I have another child! Is it my duty as a wife to support him? He has not supported me for a long time now.

He seems to have very low self-esteem and has no confidence. I want to get out and do things but I don’t want to hurt him or his family. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this! What should I do? 

Jasmine

The counselor’s thoughts...

One thing I want to tell you is that you have the best man on earth and you had better guard his love before other women out there take him away. From an intellectual point of view, a morally upright woman can never let go of her long enduring and genuinely loving husband basing her reasons on materialistic grounds, well knowing the true circumstances that inevitably deteriorated his capacity to provide for the family.

Although it’s common with human beings to fail to recognise the value of the silver that we possess until it’s gone, quite often when we lose such gifts, we begin to have regrets. You’re blessed with a precious gift of a husband who appreciated you with all your troubled loads and disappointments and freely offered to love you the way you were, secured you a home, never mistreated your kids, and above all, didn’t cheat on you. Where else on earth can you find such a man?

Remember the time you two met; did you swear to love him only in wealth? Is your love conditional that it only flourishes during wet seasons? Who tells you that in this dot com era women shouldn’t provide for the family especially if they’re able?

Do you believe that there‘re millions of wives out there fully providing for their families in addition to daily beatings, abuses and humiliations by their husbands but are patiently carrying on with their marriages? Which victory lies behind the logic of celebrating such frequent divorces?

It’s ridiculous to learn that this man ceases to be a husband and becomes another kid once his wallet goes out of stock!

Supposing he gets another job now or you lose yours? Which image will you have created in him?

Rationally speaking, you’re the only intimate friend to him at such a critical time, charged with a job description of creating a home environment that flourishes with comfort, sympathy and rejuvenates lost hope for him to realise the meaning of his life. Otherwise you may push him to think of taking his own life.

*******************

Your feedback

Readers advise Jasmine

Don’t be selfish

Mary Kangabe

You are so selfish; you’re just thinking about that now? I know it is hard but you have to remember all he did when he was working. How many men do you think own a house even after working for 40 years? Think twice before you act.

Talk to someone close to you

Mitchel Kwitonda

It gets harder and boring and you are going to literally argue about anything and everything soon. The fighting will start and divorce will cross your mind, if it hasn’t already. You need to go see a psychologist who knows both of you and sort this out.

You are unsettled

Sixbert Kabengera

You seem to like jumping from man to man after they do something that isn’t right. So how many children and dads do you want to have at the end of your life time? Marriage isn’t a bed of roses and things always come up but you don’t leave every time you feel that you aren’t satisfied.

You need to grow up

Moniq Nyakibira

So now that he can’t buy another house he is no longer fun and interesting? How does this make you look? Look at your history and look at the decisions you are making now. Whatever it makes you feel like is exactly what I am saying, and you either grow up or keep being that.

Think about the kids

Martin Robert Odochi

This marriage is not about how you feel. Think about your children and how many men they have to call daddy, how many men they have to get fond of and finally how they will act in their marriages in future because it is a reflection of your marriage right now.

Vox pop by P. Buchana

FACEBOOK:

Figure out what you want

Esther Arot

You might end up having baby daddies equal to the number of children if you don’t settle down and understand what you want.

Act like you’re married

Brenda Kakazi

Don’t think of only yourself and your happiness. You are a married woman and need to act like it.

He needs your support

Juliana Wangai

There are lots and lots of problems in marriages but loss of a job shouldn’t be a big one. He bought a house and now rent is off the table forever. He needs your support now and you two need to talk about it like a couple that wants to move forward. Don’t make rash decisions.

If you are not happy, leave

Mike Mugabo

If you think it is what you really want then leave. But get into the next relationship only when you are ready.

You are a terrible person

Carol Tesi

I will not apologise for being rude but you are a terrible human being. How you got that man to love you is even shocking. You are self centered and money minded. I understand that you need funds to get by in life, but how can you forget that when he had the funds, he took care of you and kids that weren’t even his. Now that he is in a financial crisis, you suddenly don’t love him anymore? I think you should leave him, you’ll be doing him a big favour.

Do what is right for you

Rita Komugisha

Listen to your heart and look at your children’s happiness and follow just that.

Don’t be money minded

Zack

You marriage is better than many and you should be thanking God not running away like a money-minded woman.

Find happiness

Tezra

Life is too short to be unhappy. If you don’t like the situation, get out of it.