They are beautiful and successful. They live a lavish life style. They have flashy homes, drive fancy cars, hold executive positions in big companies and have an education background so intimidating that some men purposely avoid them like the plague.
They are beautiful and successful. They live a lavish life style. They have flashy homes, drive fancy cars, hold executive positions in big companies and have an education background so intimidating that some men purposely avoid them like the plague.
Their bank balance is the envy of every man.
These are the single independent women, the latest social class in Kigali. As the other woman waits for the man to pick all her bills-from rent to the saloon, and air time-the independent woman is withdrawing a seven-figure amount of cash from her account to pay all her bills. The last thing on her mind is a man to depend on. But what is behind this breed of women, who have taken Kigali’s social scene by storm?
"Back in the day, being a single woman meant that nobody wanted you, nowadays, single women are seen as being attractive, sexy and taking their time to decide how they want to live their life,” says Lydia, a 30-year-old banker.
Lydia recently packed her bags and headed for a holiday trip to Europe. Although she admits that it’s not the usual kind of trip that most people take during the Christmas season, she is fascinated by history and intends to visit historic sites in Greece, Turkey and Italy.
"I love history, I have visited historic sites in Uganda, Tanzania, and Rwanda and now I want to experience European history,” she says.
"Do I need anyone’s permission to do that? No! The thing is, if I had a boyfriend or if I were married, I would have a hard time explaining why I want to go on such a trip. I would have a man complaining about leaving him behind and probably the burden of kids. I just want to do what I feel like doing without having to explain myself to anyone, and a man for that matter,” she adds.
And that is all that matters to her. The last thing she needs is to explain herself to a man. Lydia belongs to the new, growing group of empowered, independent women who don’t believe that a woman must have a man to depend on and be happy.
Is it a manifestation of failed relationships?
However, convincing as Lydia’s words might sound, they come from a heartbroken person whose bold statements are a result of the anger of being disappointed by men who, according to her, have failed to grow up and are not trustworthy.
"I have dated a few guys who at first came off as gentlemen but slowly, their true colours came out. I once dated a guy when I was 28 and he was a real gentleman, or so I thought. After two dates, I visited him at his place, and I was impressed. He had a good job and was hardworking.
"After dating for a month, I started to think that he was the one. And then came the bomb! One day he received a call to pick up someone at the airport, and we went together. When the guy (his friend) entered the car, he kicked off their conversation by thanking him for taking care of his car and house. I thought I hadn’t heard properly, and I inquired which house since he had never mentioned anything about his friend, a house or a car for that matter,” she says.
After several explanations, Lydia realised that the house and car the guy had showed her didn’t belong to him. The embarrassment of having been lied to was too much for her to take in. She got out of the car and cut off all ties with the guy. She says she has since lost trust in guys and she is actually happy being single since she can handle on her own. The guy was one of the several that have disappointed her.
Although Lydia made a decision because she failed to find a stable man, 36-year-old Emma says that her decision is based on the fact that she wants to concentrate on her career.
Emma, an accountant, came from South Africa seven years ago to work with an NGO that helps orphans and widows. That meant that she was leaving behind her boyfriend, who was fairly successful and ready to marry her.
"He was my fiancé, we were engaged to get married but when I got the chance to work with an NGO, I couldn’t let it go. I had always wanted to work with an NGO,” says Emma.
"However, when I broke the news to my fiancé, all he said was ‘you either choose me or your new job’ and I was shocked. I told him the least he could do was support me, but I followed my heart and left him,” she adds.
Emma was happy about the new opportunity and she was determined to follow her dream.
Asked how she was able to easily let go of her relationship in pursuit of her career, Emma says:"Society has changed and it no longer looks down on single women. However, I think it is because I was brought up by my grandmother and she was single. My parents died when I was young and my grandmother raised me. She always told me that I didn’t have to be defined by a man. She was hard working and she taught me a great deal about work.
Emma usually goes out with friends, and when she gets back home, she’ll just sleep without having to check if the husband or boyfriend has had dinner or needs to talk.
"I like being around people, I even go out on dates but I always make it a point not to send wrong signals towards a guy. A man would have to understand that he would never be the center of my life and I don’t think that is something possible,” she adds.
For Maria a middle level manager at a telecom, most men she has dated are financially below her standards, which wouldn’t be a problem but they are always intimidated and feel inferior to her.
"I don’t want to justify my spending to any man. I had a boyfriend once who saw a pair of shoes I had bought at $300 and he made a fuss about it. It is my money and I should spend it the way I want. Right now, I can spend as much as I want on anything and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.”
Besides not wanting to justify her financial escapades to any man, Maria says she’s just not ready to commit to any man and thinks she can make a horrible girlfriend.
"I enjoy dating but it’s about the thrill, not to settle down. When you commit to someone, they tend to expect a lot from you yet at times you may fall short of their expectations. I don’t think I can make the cut. I would rather stay single and enjoy my life,” she adds.
The men speak out
According to Geoffrey Kamara, a phone technician, the so called single independent women are living a lie.
"It might be fun now, but what about the future? When age catches up with them, what then? Everyone needs a lifelong partner, someone to grow old with. I think that’s the best part. These women should stop pretending that they don’t need men because the time will come when they want one and are not as attractive as they used to be.”
By Kamara’s light, getting a partner when still young is better because as you grow old together, if you truly love each other, you will never have to worry about not being as attractive as you were years ago.
However, 34-year-old Peter Kabali thinks there is nothing sexier than a woman who doesn’t need a man. "If she can buy her car, pay her rent, pay bills and generally has it together, that is the kind of woman I would go for. I don’t think they don’t want to date; they just need a man who is as independent as they are.”
According to elitedaily.com, being independent isn’t always about being alone.Independence shouldn’t make a man feel nervous or any less masculine; a woman’s strength is not a threat to a man’s masculinity. Furthermore, the need for independence doesn’t rely on solidarity because it is not a matter of isolation; it is a state of being.
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YOUR VIEWS
Bruno Muvunyi
I think the problem is that many women and men are just sleeping around a lot that in the end it damages them emotionally. People should understand that the more times a person sleeps around with other people, the more they lose their emotional touch. People end up looking for the next person to sleep with instead of investing in building a relationship. We are in the sexual liberation age so many cannot commit which makes it hard for everyone, not just women alone.
Belinda Mahoro
As a smart and successful woman, there’s no way I will settle for less or lower my standards just because a man has no potential of being with a woman who is more successful than him. And it doesn’t make me feel any less of a woman in any way. I’m successful in a female dominated profession but it still scares men away. Actually I think men should be proud of women who have the ability to use their brain than their bodies. Using our brains is an advantage for men to step up their game.
Isaiah Kwizera
Most of the women out there nowadays have their very high paying job and many of them are very successful, so they don’t need a man in their life to survive. But the real problem is that many of them do think they are God’s gift to men, and with that attitude, it certainly makes it much more difficult for many men that are hoping to meet a good woman to settle down with.
Honorine Kunda
I think men by nature tend to feel insecure regardless of whatever the cause maybe. It might be height, education level or even finances. Some men are full of self-doubt and I believe it is what drives them to cheat in relationships in order to appease their egos. Now those are the men that push women to stay single.
They always want to be reassured that they are the men and women still desire them but no woman wants a man she’ll have to look after like an 18 year old teenager. Due to their insecure nature, these men can never be with the sexy, cool, and stable ladies. Why? Because no woman can date such a man.
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How to appeal to an Independent Woman
Independent women are fun, intelligent, and know how to take care of themselves. An independent woman is a catch because she can help you grow as a person, will not be needy, has enough self-esteem to have her own life, and understands your need for space as well. The key to appealing to an independent woman is being just as independent as she is.
Step 1
Know your expectations. Strong and independent women are very comfortable with their interests, friends, comforts, careers and life. Do not expect an independent woman to change for you. Support and encourage an independent woman by becoming part of her life and adding to it, instead of attempting to squash her independence. She may challenge you or may use you as a sounding board for her endeavors. The best thing you can do is to challenge her back, be strong and there for her, and suggest ideas when she turns to you for help.
Step 2
Be available and decisive, but not overbearing. Independent women are usually busy. Send her an email with a date and time asking her what her schedule looks like. Ask if you can call her to set up definite plans. Pin down solid plans for her with solid ideas for things to do. Don’t play it by ear or "hang out.” Independent women like plans. They don’t want to waste time.
Step 3
Watch your mouth. One of the biggest mistakes men make is to strip away a woman’s independence by calling her names such as, "hottie,” "babe,” or "chick” on a date. Also, if you are having a conversation do not over-explain things. By over-explaining you are assuming she is less intelligent than you. Treat her as you would want to be treated.
Step 4
Let it go, if she ignores you. An independent woman does not need to be with a needy man. She will show you affection when she wants to. There is no point in pressuring her into giving you attention. In fact, she’s likely to lose interest if you do because she may perceive you as being needy and insecure. If you pursue your interests and stay cool, she is more likely to show you interest. Give her space by not calling her or leaving her messages. She will tend to perceive you as more of a challenge and call when she wants to show you affection again.
Step 5
Be independent, too. Independent women usually are attracted to men who are just as successful as they are. This means you should feel self-confident about your job, financial situation and life before introducing her to it. For instance, an independent woman is less likely to date you if you live with your mom, who also does your budget and laundry.
Agencies