A woman in love with a married man! That is stuff we want to imagine stops in movies and love soaps. 

But unfortunately, it’s a real life dilemma that many are grappling with.

Why would a woman choose to be the other woman or what many refer to as a side dish to a married man? This is a question that comes with several answers depending on who you ask.

For 26-year-old Ivy Mutesi (not real names), a former student of the National University of Rwanda, her relationship with a married man was a fairly tale that ended in regrets.

"I met a wonderful man; he was sweet and caring but unfortunately he was married. At the time we met he had troubles with his wife but I advised him to fix his life or get a divorce if we were to be together. Well guess what, it didn’t happen and here I was deeply and madly in love with a married man. Rejecting his advances was one thing but I tried and failed. He kept on promising that he loved me and he was ready to leave his wife for me but nothing happened, there I was, still ‘the other woman.’

Mutesi wasn’t bothered that she was seeing a married man and the fact that their relationship was a secret was a thrilling experience for her.

She continues to narrate, "He had everything a woman would ever need in a man, and life with him was too good to be true, but the sad thing was he never had enough time for me. I only got crumbs of his time, things were too sneaky and the most painful thing was his rush to leave my house after making love.

Eventually, I came to realise that this was a fantasy and I had to wake up from it. No matter how sweet he was to me and all the undying love he claimed to have for me, I had to call it quits and pull myself out of the degrading and pathetic position, I had put myself into,” she says regretfully.

Mutesi says she now knows it was an insane thing that she would never wish for anyone else.

"You will do all kinds of things that love birds do but that is all there’s to it. It is so easy to get caught up in such a situation and it’s not worth it.One should wait patiently for the right man to come because you wouldn’t really want this guy to leave his wife for you knowing what he has done to her,” she adds.

Like Mutesi, many women are caught up in such situations.

Pastor Ntawukinanimana Niruminata of Rehoboth church Kanombe warns that getting sexually involved with a married man is adultery. "Married people are supposed to be committed to one another till death does them apart,” he says.

Niruminata says such issues in marriages are as a result of poor communication among partners."Married people are supposed to communicate with each other to be able to solve issues which could hinder their love. Also, lack of satisfaction with what they have or leading a boring and monotonous routine of life can cause infidelity.”

Niruminata advises married couples to find ways of solving issues especially through communication.

"Communication matters a lot in marriage and no one can solve their problems apart from the partners themselves. If nothing changes they should stand together in prayer because its God who strengthens a family, the second thing is that each partner has to find happiness and satisfaction from each other without comparisons,” Pastor Niruminata adds.

Pastor Andrew Mukinisha of Christian Life Assembly Nyarutarama says cases of woman seeing married men happen but it’s sinful and terrible.

He notes that the reasons for men doing such a thing are numerous but "the major cause is as a result of the sinful nature of someone. Anyone who doesn’t fear God may be prone to cheat and it’s mostly out of lust.”

Pastor Mukinisha adds that promiscuity has become so common throughout the world as a result of so many things involved including personal discipline which is closely associated with an individual’s moral beliefs.

"People who regard promiscuity as evil will not engage in it. It is usually a choice that a person makes but nothing can justify their actions. For example, if someone is hungry and they steal food, one cannot cite hunger as a justification for the stealing. In the same way, just because your wife is not treating you well, you shouldn’t use it as an excuse to go to another woman, better to sort out the problem and get back together,” Pastor Mukinisha advises.

Men are to blame

Scovia Karungi a married woman says men are to blame because they are the ones that lure the women. She advises women to be cautious and not fall prey to such men.

"They should avoid them at all costs. As for the men, they should love their wives wholeheartedly because even the Bible commands them to do that,” Karungi says.

Karungi says that she can never leave her family just because her husband cheated on her.

"In case I learn that my husband is involved with another woman, I cannot lose sleep over that. I know it’s really stressing, but I cannot leave my family. I would still love my husband the way I did before the affair. Men are like babies, he could be bored with the monotony at home, and in that case I would come up with different things at home to spice up our love again,” she says.

Jeff Ntambara is a married man with a loving family who believes that its in one’s nature to sin but it would be better for people to take heart and resist situations that are degrading and destructive.

"A woman accepting to be the other woman is degrading herself and it shows that someone doesn’t care about their dignity. Being involved with a married man is a mere waste of time especially on the woman’s side,” Ntambara says.

According to Ntambara, for one to handle such situations, they ought to have a lot of self-respect and think about the pain they would cause their family. "Instead of wasting money renting hotels, men should focus on providing care and all the basic needs for the family. On the other side, women should also respect themselves; they should look for potential husbands and stop looking for men who are already taken,” he adds.

*************************

I say

Wilber Bushara

Women should not date married men; it’s not respectful for someone to do such a thing. Before starting a relationship with a married man, one should think about the consequences that come with such actions. In most cases, it leads to divorce, although some women really go for married men because they feel they are out of options

Paul Rwakahungu

Well there is a possibility of problems because in most cases homes are destroyed. Otherwise married men are better than young men because they are responsible and the good thing with such relationships is that a woman cannot get heartbrokenwhen the relationship ends because she already knew the relationship had no strings attached. Married men are responsible and that is why in most cases women get attracted to them because they are usually well established.

Sarah Mugisha

What makes single women enter into relationships with a married man is often a matter of convenience; the reasons as to why married men have affairs border on revenge, lust, excitement, etc. But what I don’t understand is why on earth a woman would knowingly get herself involved with a married man. It’s a complete waste of her time as well as being a sin.

Laban Bizimungu

It’s a waste of time for a woman to get involved with a married man unless she has other interests like financial support, connection to a respectable job, or the man paying tuition for her. Otherwise such love doesn’t exist. Being in various relationships also destabilizes a family financially. Remember the man is trying to impress multiple women. Women should try to balance their time between being with children, at work and her husband. For the single women, they should not waste time with married men because most times nothing serious comes out of such a relationship other than problems.