I am 30 years old with a stable job and dependable income and want to have a baby so badly. However, as things stand I am neither married nor dating. This has however not taken away my ambition to be a mother soon.

Amongst the options, I am considering getting impregnated by a friend without necessarily spending the rest of my life with them. However with this option I face condemnation from society and my family.

My family is against this option but most of my friends who are in similar positions are in full support of the option. My friends feel that it is okay to have a child even before marriage as long as I can take care of it and bring it up well. I am afraid that if I wait around for a guy to get married to, I might wait forever. A male friend is already on board with the idea. 

Josephine, Kibagabaga

The counselor’s thoughts...

It’s true that unless a person initially plans to have no kids, a high level of living the wonderful joy of giving birth will naturally surface, especially at such a mature age. This, however, doesn’t tranquillise your moral authority to apply natural wisdom in making sound decisions. The circumstances surrounding your zeal to have a fatherless child raises a few puzzling questions that can’t be ignored.

First of all, the driving forces behind your desire to get pregnant is based on an illogical perspective given that child bearing goes beyond having a dependable job to the selection of a lifelong partner entitled to fulfill Godly intimate parental function as a father and husband.

Similarly the misleading ideas emanating from your already messed up peer company, doesn’t justify your readiness for a kid.

It’s paramount that you first consider God’s fundamental standards about sex, marriage, purity and certainly child bearing. Sexual expressions were designed to be experienced between man and woman within the context of permanent love relationship and to be bonded by the gift of children as a uniting factor and together nurture and mold their behaviour. A true meaning of this expression becomes short lived if it’s deviated from the initial purpose for which it was meant to serve.

At this point, patience is a requirement and should involve a genuinely active focus and self-devotion to avoid any destructive temptations that may potentially come your way. God in his perfect timing will soon bring to you the most suited spouse.

Your friend’s willingness to have you pregnant is just enough to define his level of irresponsibility and moral impurity. Although your option may presently look good, you need to draw a more logical sense of imagination about this child’s future in twenty, thirty years and beyond. Your intention is to have a happy child but certainly the strategy you choose to take will definitely bring devastating troubles to both you and your child’s future life Think of how nice it feels when you hug your dad at home and use that analogy to downsize your story to your kid. You should model yourself to the moral standard that you would wish your child to emulate otherwise you risk losing the parental authority over the child in terms of guidance if the child fires back in reference to your own early lifestyle.

**********************

Your feedback: Readers advise Josephine

Why are you being selfish?

Flavia Ninsiima

You are such a selfish person and I think you shouldn’t have that child because that child doesn’t deserve to have a mother like you. You are thinking about your desire to have a child rather than your child’s right to have a dad. I beg you not to do that.

If your friend is okay with it, why not?

Amanda Munezero

You have the ability to be a mum, you are independent and you will not need much from a man. God ahead and get the baby. The good thing is that you have had an agreement with your friend already so what are you waiting for? Society will always be there to judge you but focus on your happiness.

This is a problem waiting to happen

Okot Bourn

Be very careful with that man. He could just want sex now and later want the baby as well. These things get complicated when the child is there. It could also affect your future marriage and your relationship with that friend.

There is a reason for everything

Isaac Hakizimana

There is a reason God created marriage. If you think you are smarter than Him, go ahead. You will need that man so instead of focusing on getting your belly swollen, focus on getting the right man and getting married. Everyone has someone for them.

Do not punish that child

Linda Namugambe

You have already orphaned that baby even before it is born. What if something happens to you and you fall sick and pass on (God forbid) then what happens to that little child? Will she go and stay with her "father” or what?

FACEBOOK:

You are not ready

Paul Niwabine

Your thinking is so shallow that you aren’t ready for a baby. Let go of the idea and make yourself the right lady for marriage. There is a man waiting out there and that will be a father not a man who will just get you pregnant and leave.

What will you tell your child?

Mark

Your child will ask who the father is so you should keep that friend of yours far away.

This will affect you for the rest of your life

Gloria Dei

Think about what you are doing because it doesn’t only affect you but your child and friend as well. And it will for the rest of your lives.

He will want his child one day

Marly Kahimakazi

That friend of yours definitely just wants to have sex with you and move on. He doesn’t care much now but wait when you raise the child to about 15 and the struggle is done, you will not believe how he will want his child back.

You will ruin your friendship

Kenneth Shaka

I don’t think you should be calling that gentleman your friend anymore. He is either your lover or your enemy because there won’t be any friendship after that child is born.

At least use a stranger

Taaka Patience

You are better off doing this with a stranger that will never see you again otherwise this friend of yours will be a father not a friend.

****************

Please send comments and stories to womentoday@newtimes.co.rw or visit our Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/NewTimesWomenToday?ref=hl