My husband and I have been married for six years now. We tried having a baby the natural way but with no success. We found out about a fertility centre where you pay a lot of money to have test tube babies. My husband insisted and we got a loan to facilitate the first procedure. It failed. We were told to look for more money for the second try. We borrowed money from a family friend and went back. It also failed. Now we are deep in debt yet my husband still insists that we should try again. We haven’t even paid off the previous debt! I suggested adoption but it is a topic he won’t even consider. He says he wants his own child. Please, what should I do?

Tona 

Your comments (from Facebook and Twitter)

Sometimes men can be so selfish. Where does he come off telling you that he wants his own kid? Have you even confirmed that the issue is with you? You might find that he is shooting blanks or his sperm just doesn’t work! Do not let him bully this way. Visit a doctor and find out where the problem is, if there is even one. I know a lady who thought she couldn’t conceive but did eventually. 

Hellen

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This is the time you remember why you got married. And that man did not sign up for adoption. You must understand where he is coming from. I’m not saying it is bad to adopt, it is just so much better to have a kid of your own. Keep trying. It will be worth it eventually.

Anita

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I just want to know how you plan on feeding that child when you are already drowning in debt. You have to make him see reason. Does he have a plan to pay off your debts? Or is he just borrowing money without a clue because he is so desperate for a child? Adoption is a long process too but if you find out you can’t actually have kids, what other choice does he have?

Martin

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I’m  not trying to make you more miserable than you already are but your husband sounds like someone who would cheat on you and claim you refused to give him a child so he found other options. Only God can help you here.

Paul

The Men Respond

"Don’t give up"

No price can be put to the happiness that you get from having a first child with your husband. It doesn’t matter how deep in debt you are or how much you had to give away. 

The fact that one of you wants the child so badly even makes it worse. Taking a decision otherwise could bring bitterness which I can assure you, you do not want. 

I know it will be hard for the two of you but for the sake of happiness, try it one more time. Do not give up that easily. The joy you will get is enormous. 

On the other hand, you could also ask your husband to wait a little before you try it again, just to get your financial status back on its feet. It isn’t written anywhere that you should have the child now. . He should also be patient and understand that these things take time. Some women have it easy, others don’t – it’s called life.

All in all, whatever decision you make, try to make sure it makes both of you happy. You don’t want him to resent you for giving it another chance. 

Patrick, 23, is in a stable relationship.

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"Adoption is not a good idea"

I am sorry about your plight. There is a misinformed school of thought that children are the point of marriage, that a marriage is incomplete without children. Going by that line of thought, a marriage without children is defined as doomed. Though invalid it could be a reason for break-up. Having to incur loans over and over shows that your husband believes in the thought. He will never be contented without his ‘own’ children. Here is how it will play out if you convince him to adopt.

You will go to an orphanage, select a baby who you think you have a connection with, take the baby home and name him/her as you would your biological baby. As the baby grows you will love them as you would if they were yours biologically and you will imagine your husband does the same. Three or four years later, you will have an argument, only that this time your husband will say things like "so says the woman who has to buy children because she is barren,” or "first give birth then come talk to me like that.”  Of course he will apologise after the episode saying he didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. But the words will keep ringing in your mind. So back to reality, your husband and you share a different line of thought, you had better keep things as they are, maintain the peace. 

Collins, 28, is married

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"He is being selfish"

Tona, I can’t begin to understand your frustration because I have never been in your shoes, however, from experience I know that women usually get more frustrated than men when it comes to the issue of failing to get pregnant. 

This, coupled with society’s ridicule at a woman who fails to give birth, is enough torment to make you crazy and drive you into depression. 

Trying to get a baby several times but only to end up failing is too much misery to handle. Now test tube babies have also refused, how much sadness does your husband expect you to handle? He shouldn’t hold on to the thought of "I want my own child” as if you also wouldn’t want your own. 

Children are gifts from God and not everyone might be lucky to get one. However, your husband needs to understand that his ability as a man is not fathering a child but the courage to raise one. It might be your destiny to give a glimpse of hope to a child out there. 

Don’t lose hope, talk to him and let him see the better side of things. As for the debt, he needs to stop squandering family resources because of his selfish needs and focus on building his family. 

Dean, 30, is single