Maybe it was because I filled an empty bottle of tomato sauce with chilli sauce and dared Phillipa to swallow a mouthful. Maybe it was because I am the one who wrote a love letter to Mr. Chidumu our Chemistry teacher (I don’t remember his real name, that was his nickname) and signed in the Head Girls’ name on fools’ day. 

And maybe it was because whenever the messengers of God came to our school to tell us to repent of all our sins and turn away from evil, I only did the latter. For all the aforementioned reasons and more, I didn’t qualify for the pearly gates. 

And I swear to you, my penitence was always honest and true, for it was always made in fear. The messengers of God would tell us horrifying illustrated stories about hell and then they would ask us to choose between heaven and hell. Of course I chose heaven each time because, well...because who in their right mind wants to spend eternity in a lake of fire...inextinguishable fire? Not me, not since I almost went numb with pain from touching a hot bulb.

Needless to say, my efforts to turn away from evil were always futile; I was the self-appointed chairperson of the organising committee for crime and other related activities in my class. 

The messengers of God came to our school again and that day, they told us that we had thieves amongst us. These thieves were sent by the devil to steal souls every night and we the consistent sinners were easy targets. Apparently, some had already fallen victim.

I am a self-confessed coward so there’s no use in pretending that I slept soundly the night I received that information. Completely still and covered from head to toe, I could hear my heart beating like a drum.

Any other night, it would have been perfectly fine for Patience to wake me up in the middle of a dark night. But not that night; not since she was so dark-skinned that the only visible thing was her white night dress. As soon as I saw the dress, I lost control of my bladder and right there on my bed, I answered nature’s call.