I was 16 when I got pregnant. It was a careless mistake but my mother was kind and decided she would take care of the child. But when the kid was two, my mum fell sick and died and an aunt convinced me to continue with school while she took care of my child. She sent me to a boarding school. While I was at school, my aunt left for the United Kingdom and decided to leave with my daughter. That was the last I saw of my child. I got a job and took myself through university. She got my email through another relative and we would communicate through email but she stubbornly refused to send me a number I could call her on. 

I’m now thirty; I have a good job and can take care of my daughter. I have tried to ask my aunt to let me see my child but she has refused. She keeps lying to me saying they will come back soon but nothing has happened. I even tried getting a visa myself but I was denied. I have a feeling the kid thinks my aunt is her mother. Now, she is not responding to my emails and I haven’t heard from her in months. I want my child back. What should I do?

Camilla

Your Comments

Dear Camilla, as a woman I really feel your pain; you have every right to get your child back. If your aunt is not contacting you then you should involve Interpol so they can trace her. Something could have happened to her and the easiest way to know is if you involve the security organs. 

Claire 

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Camilla, your problem is very complex; try to find out if your aunt is contacting other family members. I think you need to call for a family meeting and tell them your fears. The other family members will convince your aunt to send back your child. 

Linda 

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Camilla my dear, if your aunt is in the United Kingdom then it’s easy to trace her, all you need to know is her home address and she can be tracked so that you can reclaim your child. My worry will be if you don’t have the documentation to prove that the child is yours.

Edith 

The Men Respond

"You will need the authorities"

It is obvious that you can’t find your daughter without the help of the authorities. Get proof that she is your daughter and engage Interpol before your daughter becomes your cousin. 

Your aunt could be scared of losing someone she has raised all these years and it’s understandable. Don’t go hard on her like she kidnapped your daughter but make her understand that it’s time to re-unite with your flesh and blood. Thank her for the great job she has done and perhaps even let her say goodbye her way. She has gotten attached therefore you can’t expect her to just hand her over like she would a laptop!

In case your aunt doesn’t understand you and keeps up with the lies of coming and then disappearing, send her an email and tell her she has left you with no choice but to go to the authorities. You are lucky that she is living in a country that keeps track of people coming in and where they stay. The Rwanda police is also vigilant about its citizens. Use that chance and re-unite with your little girl. Good luck!

Patrick, 23, is in a stable relationship.

"She has come too far to turn around"

For 14 years your daughter has lived with your aunt; this is enough time for the girl to grow up thinking that your aunt is her mother. Within the 14 years, your daughter has gone through her major life stages with your aunt by her side; it was your aunt she first went to when she had her first period. It was your aunt she probably went to when she liked a boy. Whether she knows for a fact that you are her mother or not, the bond there is certainly strong.

It is good that you have finally put your life together and made something out of it, but that should be no reason to abruptly taker your daughter away from you aunt.  It would not be fair to either of them. It is probably the reason why your aunt is hesitant to introduce you to your daughter, she could be afraid that you will take her away and your daughter will have to start her life all over again.

The best way through it is to explain to your aunt that you are not trying to undo what she has been trying to make out of the girl. Let her keep custody of the girl for now, rather than disrupt her life. Visit her often, as she grows up you can then explain to her what happened. At some point when you really care about someone, it is best not to twist their lives.

Collins, 28, is married

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"Why break up a happy home?"

Honestly, I feel for you, I really do. Getting pregnant at 16 was bad enough but to have your child taken from you is saddening. However, that does not give you the right to mess up something that you couldn’t do yourself. In life, we must always try to take full responsibility for our actions. 

You had no business having sex at 16, even worse, unprotected sex. You got pregnant and had your mummy help you out. After she died, your aunt stepped in. You never said no to her assistance. You never made it clear that you would want to raise your child. You handed her over without a second thought and moved on with your life. 

Now that you have gotten yourself together, you want her back. Have you thought about their relationship at all? Have you thought about the damage this could do to both of them? Or are you just thinking about yourself? The best you can hope for is a relationship with your daughter but do not stir trouble or you will regret it. Work your way into their lives without looking like you are there to claim something you genuinely lost. And this is probably why your aunt is avoiding you. She needs to know that she won’t lose the only child she’s ever raised. It’s only fair. 

These are the consequences of your actions; they might seem harsh but there is a price to pay for everything, so it is always best to make decisions you can live with.

Dean, 30, is single