I have been dating this guy for almost a year now and the journey has been great. However, a couple of weeks ago, his cousin came back from the USA and her presence has been an absolute nightmare since. I am not the insecure type neither do I interpret things the wrong way. But there is something not right about his relationship with this girl. For starters, when we are out, she gets drunk and starts sitting on his lap, he never finds it odd. She always wants him to give her push to public bathrooms because for some reason she doesn’t trust them and I just do not see what my boyfriend’s presence will change. I once went to his place on a Saturday morning and found she had slept over; but it didn’t bother me, it was the ridiculously provocative piece of cloth she called ‘nightwear’ that did. Every time I make plans with him, he insists on bringing her along. I told him I wanted us to have some ‘alone time’ and he said she was here to visit and that he didn’t want to make it miserable for her so we would plan something after she left! I feel like the third wheel here. I have now resorted to turning down any plans to hang out for my own sanity’s sake and what is shocking is that my boyfriend didn’t even show the slightest concern. I might be wrong but something’s not right. Either she is not really his cousin or if she is, then the problem is much sicker than I thought. Please advise…

Samantha

Your  comments (from Facebook and Twitter)

I would advise you to talk to your boyfriend about your fears. He could be innocent and doesn’t realise that how he behaves with his cousin bothers you. Turning down plans of hanging out with

them will solve nothing. Talk to him, communication is essential in any relationship.

Claudine

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Samantha, grow a pair and talk to your boyfriend’s cousin and  set some rules, tell her to get her own man to escort her to the bathroom. What is she doing sitting on his lap?  Drunk or sober she has no business acting like that if they are just cousins. If you feel assuring her will not solve anything, then talk to both of them about their awkward behaviour.

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Teddy Umutoni

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Don’t be naive, of course something is going on between those two. You’re not just being paranoid. You want to say you have not heard people who commit incest? Given your description of the scenarios, talk to your boyfriend about how you feel, if he cares and loves you, he will change his behaviour. But if he continues to tell you that she is here on holiday ask him if he is the only family member she has. Let her go and hang with other members of the family.

Rita

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The Men Respond

"Your insecurity will ruin your relationship"

Samantha, I can try to understand your situation if you are willing to say that you feel threatened by her presence but otherwise you are just being a drama queen. I’m not surprised that, as most if not all women, you love attention which seems to be your biggest problem. The fact that your boyfriend and his cousin are close and he tends to give her a lot of attention bothers you a lot to the extent that it is about to ruin your relationship says so. So what if she was wearing a provocative piece? The fact that your boyfriend is willing to have you around in her presence should be an indication that there’s nothing to hide. If you feel something is not right, then talk to him instead of sulking and making up ridiculous excuses not to hang with him. And which problem is it that is sicker than you thought? The worst thing that can happen to any relationship is when one party or both tend to always assume stuff yet it would be easy to talk to each other and sort things out. Give the guy a break, stop acting immature and childish. Besides it’s not like she has come to stay around and if you feel like you are being treated like a third wheel; well, maybe you have always been but was too blinded to see through the act. 

Dean, 29, is single

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"Walk away or talk"

It is disappointing when you really care about someone but feel like they do not reciprocate the love. Bringing along someone else when you are out on a date could plant demons in your head that your significant other wants to be with someone else. But it could be that they do not know that you are uncomfortable. But what if she is really his cousin and you are overreacting? Have you considered that as one who lives in the USA, she is not as conservative as you are? She probably sees nothing wrong with wearing short night attire or sitting on her cousin’s lap. She probably doesn’t know that she is planting demons in your head. There are two options, having in mind that it is temporary and only for a while, stay away from them to avoid getting pissed off, put away dates and outings until the cousin leaves. But it might keep you up at night because you will imagine that they are doing things behind your back. How about you talk to her and explain that where you come from, people do not sit on their cousin’s laps. Break it down to her that your school of thought dictates that if you sleep at your cousin’s house, you sleep in decent night clothes. Whatever you decide to do is up to you. Just don’t do anything irrational. 

Collins, 27, is married

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"It is an indicator of what will happen in future"

You have been seeing this guy for over one year and from nowhere his affection for you seems to have been compromised by the appearance of his cousin. It proves that in the course of your relationship, the emergence of other people in his life will cause him to show less affection and act like a stranger.  Consider it a sign that appeared early of what will happen in the future, whenever his boys or friends want to hang out with him, he will prioritise them and leave you hanging.

Now that you already know how he acts when she is around, use that information well, and decide whether to try to change him or pack up early before you confirm your fears. However, I would advise you not to try to change him since that rarely works; but you can try to talk to him about his conduct and suggest ways in which he can do better because at the end of the day, you are his girlfriend and you are in the relationship together.  If you are to consider packing your bags, do it after talking to him. I know it is not easy but I can guarantee you that it is the best thing to do. Your heart is at stake here and dealing with a heart break is not easy at all. Either talk to him or prepare shock-absorbers. Otherwise, I don’t think it is worth getting worried about someone who seems to take you for granted. 

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.