I have been married for four years now and the first two were absolute bliss. We then started arguing a lot and my husband would come home late almost every night just to avoid a confrontation. Last year, we agreed to work on our marriage and even sought a counselor. Things started getting better. About six months ago, I met a guy at a cocktail party and we hit it off. We had drinks together a couple of times. I can’t say I didn’t see it coming or that I was drunk but I started seeing him. My husband has never questioned me about anything, and the strangest part is that my marriage is getting better. We don’t fight as much and still do things together. A month ago, I escorted a friend to the hospital and from nowhere, decided to have myself tested. You can imagine my shock when I found out that I am HIV positive. I spoke to my man-friend about it and he accused me of giving him the disease! Now, I don’t know if my husband is infected, and I wouldn’t want to pass it on to him. But how do I explain having sex with a condom (as we don’t use them) without explaining the affair? I’m scared to death and have no idea what to do. He will never forgive me, that’s for sure, and he is sort of the only family I’ve got. 

Tess

Your comments (from Facebook and Twitter)

Dear Tess, you messed up pretty bad but I think you should go with your husband for a checkup. If he is safe then you can still tell him about the affair. If you tell him about the affair and that you’re infected before the checkup, he might get scared and give up which could be dangerous. 

Fidel Mugisha

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My dear, I’m surprised you even had the courage to write in to seek advice after such a despicable act. But your husband needs to know the truth before you infect him with the virus. You need prayers and you need to change your ways. 

Lillian Keza

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Tess, it’s hard to give you advice because you are such a horrible person. He surely will never forgive you and you should have thought about him being the only family you have before you went ahead to cheat on him. Just tell him the truth; he deserves to know your status because he might not be infected. 

Maureen 

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Do not waste another second. If you truly love that man you will tell him, it’s the least you can do. It’s not easy but it must be done otherwise you will never have peace. 

Dora

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The Men Respond

Two wrongs don’t make a right

Tess, I know how you feel right now and based on how you presented your problem, it seems like the guy you met at the cocktail party might have infected you with the disease since you didn’t mention if you have ever cheated on your husband before or not. This is why I’m willing to understand your dilemma. One would be forced to ask why you didn’t cheat when you still had marital problems and why you waited till you are making good strides to mess it up. However, I’ll spare you that part seeing as no one is immune to temptation. 

I understand you but I still ask that you right your wrongs. Talk to your husband before he finds out that you gave him the disease and things go haywire. It is terrible of you to cheat on him and give him the disease as well. Be as honest as possible, apologise and claim responsibility for the agony and grief you have caused him. Seek professional counseling and strive to be a better person. Your husband might be understanding and will not totally abandon you. If he is "sort of the only family you have left,” you are going to need all the help you can get and it starts now. 

Dean, 29, is single

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You must protect him

Dear Tess, this is one of those situations where whatever you do next, you will feel the pinch. You could decide to keep the condition from your husband and take him down with you to avoid the confrontation on where you got the disease. That sounds like the easy way out, but it doesn’t guarantee you any piece of mind, the demons in your mind will never let you sleep easy knowing you infected him. You have to face the problem the hard way, explain to him that at some point while you were having problems you found comfort in the arms of another man. Do not justify your reasons for doing it, be apologetic and brace yourself for what he might do next, there is a chance that he might not want anything to do with you. But look at it as saving a life; look at it as proving your love for him by putting him out of harm’s way. That is what people do for those they love; they protect them, even when they’ve messed up as much as you have. All the best. 

 Collins, 27, is married

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You need the Lord

There is a special fire for people like you in hell. I will not even feel bad about judging you because it is people like you who give other women a bad name. When you were ‘stepping out’ on your husband, did you not know that he was the only family you had? Did it not occur to you that your actions had consequences and that they would never be good? Marriage is tough, there will be arguments and bickering; but infidelity is simply unacceptable, not to mention disrespectful. There is not a shred of evidence that says you love your husband and frankly I think you wasted the man’s time from the word go. Do him a favour, if you have any decency left in you, and ask him to get tested. It would be better if you didn’t explain to him the need for the test right away as he might make like a banana and split! I hope and pray that this ends well for him because he doesn’t deserve that kind of fate. As for you, I suggest you seek God and ask Him for guidance as you clearly need it.

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.