Why the pressure to get married?

I am 27-years-old and have been dating for almost three years now. I always felt I would get married when I was sure I had time to stay home and look after my child. No offense but I don’t want to be one of those mums who barely have time for their own children because they have work and go back home tired. My boyfriend (he is 33) and I have spoken about marriage and neither one of us is in a rush. We love each other deeply and there is no doubt that we will get married eventually. But my family has become a problem. I live with my mum and dad and younger siblings. I am reminded constantly how my biological clock is ticking and that I am not getting any younger. The other day, my mum said people were starting to think I’m bewitched since my boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet. She added that even my younger sisters would get married before me, which will confirm the witchcraft sent my way. My father says that the only thing that will come out of my relationship is a baby out of wedlock and he will not be a part of that. I have told them so many times that we will tie the knot when we are absolutely ready to but all I get is what’s the hold up? I now told them that I plan to move out and cohabit with my boyfriend and they acted like I told them I was part of a terrorist group. I want to move out because I can’t stand their constant nagging – I need space. I’m not being insubordinate or anything, I just want to do things my way because if I rush into marriage, I will resent them later for pushing me when things fail – though that seems like a risk they are willing to take. If I stay home I will lose my mind and if I go, well there’s no telling just how angry they’ll be with me. Please help. Cindy

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Times Reporter

I am 27-years-old and have been dating for almost three years now. I always felt I would get married when I was sure I had time to stay home and look after my child. No offense but I don’t want to be one of those mums who barely have time for their own children because they have work and go back home tired. My boyfriend (he is 33) and I have spoken about marriage and neither one of us is in a rush. We love each other deeply and there is no doubt that we will get married eventually. But my family has become a problem. I live with my mum and dad and younger siblings. I am reminded constantly how my biological clock is ticking and that I am not getting any younger. The other day, my mum said people were starting to think I’m bewitched since my boyfriend hasn’t proposed yet. She added that even my younger sisters would get married before me, which will confirm the witchcraft sent my way. My father says that the only thing that will come out of my relationship is a baby out of wedlock and he will not be a part of that. I have told them so many times that we will tie the knot when we are absolutely ready to but all I get is what’s the hold up? I now told them that I plan to move out and cohabit with my boyfriend and they acted like I told them I was part of a terrorist group. I want to move out because I can’t stand their constant nagging – I need space. I’m not being insubordinate or anything, I just want to do things my way because if I rush into marriage, I will resent them later for pushing me when things fail – though that seems like a risk they are willing to take. If I stay home I will lose my mind and if I go, well there’s no telling just how angry they’ll be with me. Please help.

Cindy

Your advice (from Facebook and Twitter)

I’m in support of your family; what is this excuse of not being ready? Is it because as a couple you don’t have resources to do the wedding? If that’s the case then you can tell your families to raise funds for the ceremony.

Maria

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You have been dating for the last three years, so what the hell are you not sure about? If you claim you love him deeply and are willing to cohabit then marriage can’t be that hard really. It’s very simple, just get married since your family is ready to support you all the way. I don’t want to sound weird, but I have a feeling your family is just scared of telling you that the guy your dating is not ready for commitment and that’s why he has not yet proposed to you, given that you have been dating for the last three years.

Honoline

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My dear, you need to explain to us how moving in with your three-year-long boyfriend is any different from marriage. If you want to move out of home, it’s very simple, just rent a place of your own and that way you will prove to your parents how independent you can be about the decisions you make in life.

But cohabiting with your boyfriend is offering yourself to him on a silver plate. You see when you want milk, you buy a cow. But since you will be under the same roof with your boyfriend, there will be no need to ask for your hand in marriage since he has you any time he wants.

Florence Umuhoza

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The Men Respond

Don’t jump out of the pan and into the fire

I know that feeling when your family meddles in your private business and I understand your frustration all too well. However, what you are about to do might be more dangerous than you think it is. If people are coming up with witchcraft theories about you now, what do you think they will come up with next when you move out of the house to cohabit with your boyfriend? You will be looked at as a ‘loose’ girl who is out to degrade herself - not that the talking should really matter a lot.

First of all, you can’t lose your family because of this issue, because at the end of the day, they will still be your family and you will need their blessings. Secondly, have you considered getting your own place instead of cohabiting with your boyfriend? Getting a place of your own is better than telling your parents that you will be staying with your boyfriend. Besides, this increases the chances of getting a child out of wedlock which is clearly a situation your father doesn’t want to be part of. Lastly, try to seek help from close family relatives or a professional counselor before you take any drastic action that might alter the rest of your life. Be wise about this situation and don’t bow down to pressure. All the best.

Dean, 29, is single

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Do it your way

As a 27-year-old you have been around long enough to know that not everything your parents say is gospel truth. Most of it is shrouded in beliefs and culture most of which you probably do not subscribe to.

A girl’s marriage has always been a topic of debate in most societies especially because her family seems to want to dictate on whom to marry and when to marry. However, your family should not make all the decisions for you, they should not determine how the rest of your life will be. It is your life and the plan that you have on how you will live it should not be influenced by anybody.

The best way is going through and not away from your current situation. Learn to give a deaf ear to your parents’ constant rumble. As much as it may seem ungodly, it is better than arguing with them about it. Do not move your ground just because they insist, but try to get them to see things from your perspective. If they do not at least you can wash your hands knowing that you tried. About moving out, if you really need your peace and have agreed with your boyfriend, it is okay you can go ahead, it is always easier asking for forgiveness rather than asking for permission. Life is only once.

Collins, 27, is married

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Do not go against family

Clearly you are not about to resolve things with your family. Moving out of home shouldn’t result moving into your boyfriend’s house. If your fed up with the ‘noise’ at home, get your own place.

But don’t add salt to the wound by staying with a boy you are not even married to – if you’re parents do not like it, that is disrespectful!

I do agree that you don’t have to get married to your boyfriend just because your parents and family members want you to.

Marry him because you love him and are ready to start a life with him.

You must also remember that the clock is ticking, so if you are to keep taking your time, make sure he is the one. You could date for a couple of more years then break-up. Then you will have to start all over again. Listen to your folks, they know a lot more than you.

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.

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