Hi guys,

My husband and I have been married for three years now. To me, he is the sweetest, funniest and most entertaining person I know. There’s just one little problem - this side of him is only known to me. Every time we go out, he insists on going to places where we won’t bump into anyone. I wouldn’t mind that but once in a while, I would like to hang around other people too. Should we bump into anyone and they insist on joining us, he turns on the mute button and literally just sits there, like he has never said a word in his life. One day we were invited to a house party and I convinced him to go (after a heavy argument). But later I wished I hadn’t. He sat by the side of the house away from other people and sulked! I went to talk to him and he insisted that he was okay and that that is where he wanted to sit. Who does that? I can’t spend the rest of my life hanging with only my husband. How do I get him to loosen up?

 Janice

Your advice (from Facebook and Twitter)

I don’t get women sometimes. Now if he didn’t want to hang with you either and would rather stay home and sleep, what would you say? Be happy that he actually enjoys having you all to himself. Not many women are that lucky.

Ruth

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I know exactly how awkward that can be. And like you, I find it utterly boring hanging with just my man - I need friends and other people from time to time. Talk to him, make him understand that even though you love his company, you will love him a lot more if he could socialise a lot more. It’s life, he can’t afford to be a loner.

Dora T

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Have you ever given thought to the kind of company your friends or these other people you hang out with give? You might be blinded by your desperation to ‘chill’ with other people but he might see something you don’t - like gossip for example. I’m not saying that is how it is, but he might be staying away for a reason. look into it before labeling him a social bore.

Patrice

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I don’t see what the big deal is here. If he doesn’t want to hang out, don’t force him to. If he wants to stay home while you ‘shake off work stress’ let him. In fact, it’s actually better than dragging him out only to be irritated by his inability to mingle!

Carol

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Perhaps your man is past the point of hanging out and just wants to do adult stuff like have dinner with his woman. Have you thought of that? I’m not saying it is childish to hang out with friends but it is also not the end of the world. 

Richard

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I used to have a boyfriend just like that. It drove me crazy the way he would just sit there saying nothing every time my friends came around. At one point, they even thought he stammered or probably just didn’t talk very well and therefore chose to avoid it completely. But eventually, after months of attempts here and there, he  opened up and now I can’t get him to shut up! There you go!

Sue

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So he doesn’t like hanging out...big deal! Until he insults or physically attacks your friends, all is good. If he wants to sit alone, let him, better yet, sit with him a while. And do not ask him why he is not seated with the others, that will piss him off. Just try not to make a fuss about it - until he becomes absolutely rude.

Alex

The Men Respond

Let the guy be

Janice, when you met your husband three years ago, aside from noticing his ‘sweetness’ and sense of humour, you must have noticed that he was a little laid back. You might have gotten the hint that he prefers not to be loud in public. And still you went ahead to marry him, you probably expected that at some point he would come around or you didn’t mind it then, so why now?

For the right intentions, you want to see him become more social, you want to see him have a normal conversation, but forcing him to fit in the bubble could end up being a disappointment to the both of you. It could disappoint you that he is rigid and inflexible and it could disappoint him that you are controlling and nagging. For the mean time, let the man be, but keep trying to introduce him to the ways of social folks without seeming as if you are trying - strength of a woman. Begin with ‘polite’ gatherings before you graduate to house parties. Ask him to join you for a drink with his friends, proceed to a family event, such as a wedding. Graduate to a night out with friends and he will be surprised too that he came around.

Collins, 26, is married

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Try to be more concerned

This behaviour isn’t something that your husband picked up overnight; therefore getting him to quit it just like that might be a problem. Such behaviour usually starts from childhood. When children fear their parents, they fear other elders and finally fear even random people.

This fear is portrayed in different ways like consistent silence around others, taking time to think about what to say before they say it, and sometimes, even stammering while speaking.  He keeps quiet and sulks because he doesn’t want to go through all that. You can do something about it though; start hanging around with people he is actually familiar with – comfortable with - like the people he grew up with or his close friends. He will eventually open up and slowly get into meeting other people. Do not spring on him with a group of friends, I know you would love for them to meet him but he can only do this when he is comfortable.  If you love him, you will understand that there is more to life and relationships than hanging out with buddies! Your buddies will always be around, you can hang out once in a while - that shouldn’t be a problem Just don’t expect your man to adjust because you want to have a good time. You said that to you, he is not boring so go with  that!

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.

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Move on with your life

Janice it is so bad that your husband acts in such a way. It’s so selfish and immature of him to always want to go out just the two of you. Life is two-way traffic and I don’t know how he manages in life if he doesn’t socialise. I would love to tell you to ask but I think you have tried and failed to get anywhere with him. Don’t allow him to spoil your social life, if he doesn’t want to hang with you while other people are around just leave him behind and join your friends.

It’s important that your husband understands that you had friends before you got married and it is because of the great people in your life that he has you as his wife. Therefore, he should try to associate with them and not give them a cold shoulder. At the look of things, very soon you won’t have visitors in your house because of your husband’s behaviour. 

Don’t try to change him; he needs to see the benefits of hanging around other people. Start by asking him why he doesn’t want to hang around other people? Maybe he has low-self esteem and feels uncomfortable around many people or he is merely ‘social-phobic’ because I can’t see any other reason for him to act like that. Get him to visit a counselor or talk to a relative who is close to you otherwise, your social life is at risk.  

Dean, 28, is single