A few years ago, I received guests from the Diaspora. They had come to visit me and marvel at my riches. Of course, I had all along lied to them that I was a topnotch Diaspoman, whose parents owned ranches in and around Kigali. But things went wrong when my visitors visited my "Parents’” ranch. 

I had chosen a posh home and ranch in the Ndera area. But how I wish I had not chosen Ndera for my small game! I call it a game because the truth of the matter is that my parents do not own a Ranch in Ndera. If anything, the word Ndera should just create an impression in your mind about mad people. That is why I regretted as to why I took my distinguished visitors to this place instead of taking them to Bugesera.

Anyhow, here I was driving Aggrey’s Land Cruiser. I had also borrowed a pair of sunglasses and a nice looking T-shirt. Before taking my tourists to visit my family ranch, I first drove around Nyarutarama where I coolly parked next to a huge unfinished bungalow. I jumped out of the Jeep as my visitors looked out of the window in awe. I then barked some orders to the casual laborers who were busy piling some tiles on the roof. I barked to them in Kinyarwanda as if I was the owner of the unfinished building. I rebuked the guys claiming that they were very slow.

The supervisor was brave. He approached me and demanded to know who the hell I was, since I was not their boss. After realizing that the situation was becoming monkey-ish, I jumped into the Jeep and announced to my guests; "Hey, these guys have run out of materials. That is why they look idle and disorderly. Let’s just move on, I’ll send someone to sort out their cement problems.” Wow! What a building. Man you have climbed so fast! He he he, deep inside, I was really hoping that these visitors had truly bought and swallowed my mega lie.

And now it was time to visit my "Dad”, who recently retired from a top job. The problem is that I had completely failed to Google for a suitable actor who would pretend to be my Dad. That is how I ended up settling for one of the sharp looking cattle keepers at this powerful farm that belonged to Aggrey’s rich friend. The cattle keeper promised me that he would only utter two phrases; "You are welcome” plus "God Bless you”. But when we climbed up the hill towards the mansion at the heart of the farm, my actor developed different ideas.

Having eagerly led my visitors to come and say hi to my dad, I was bitterly disappointed when this cattle keeper, who had dressed up smartly in my expensive suit, simply came running towards us with a bottle of Johnny Walker Whisky. He was screaming at the top of his voice "Boss wakoze cyane inzoga aya ya ya ya” I stood still as my guests were seemingly taken aback. I had to think of something very first. So, I reciprocated and gave this smart looking cattle keeper a very warm hug. I then turned towards my guests and asked them; "Had I ever told you that my dad was a twin?”

No no, we didn’t know that! Oh yes, this is my uncle but he was unfortunate not to have attended higher education due to our historical problems. He happens to be my dad’s identical twin. "We always get confused whenever they are together”. I then cracked some words in Kinyarwanda trying to hoodwink my guests. The cattle keeper rumbled on and on about how sweet the whisky was. I then told my Diaspo guests that my Dad had received an urgent call and had to travel upcountry. "However, please feel free. Come in and let’s share a drink”

So we entered into this powerful mansion. Aggrey had arranged to fill the refrigerator with all tribes of booze. After settling in, we switched on the DSTV to watch the Premiership. I then walked boldly towards the fridge to collect the drinks. But to my sheer horror, the fridge was staring at me with a hungry looking expression. Apparently, the cattle keeper had dished out all the booze and shared it all with his colleagues. He had decided to celebrate on my behalf. I was stuck, helpless and desperate…