I’d like to think that I’m easy on the eye and that I don’t have to stoop to low measures to get a man. But for the longest time, I have found myself attracted to the men my friend dates. This girl and I have known each other since high school and even went to college together. Right from college, I had a strange obsession with the guy she was dating at the time. I imagined myself with him and went as far as wondering what he saw in her. When she broke up with him, my obsession somehow vanished. After college she dated another guy but it wasn’t instant, he sort of grew on me. I then started dating but all I could think about was my friend’s boyfriend!  Every time we went out on double dates, I kept cursing that I wasn’t the one with him. I actually dated the guy I was with for an impressive time considering I was lusting over another man. We are still together though we’ve broken up a couple of times. Now last year, my friend started dating this lawyer and this is nuts but I am officially in love with him. What the hell is going on with me? I can’t talk to any of my other friends about this lest they lock up their men but it is really worrying. Should I distance myself from my friend?

Allen

The Men Respond

Collins

Find out what you want in a man

Being attracted to your friends’ boyfriends is probably because you spend a lot of time listening to your friends talk about how good they are. You probably like what you hear about them and for some reason you imagine it would be a little hard to not like them. Hanging out with them probably makes you want to keep them for yourself and probably tempts you to "overthrow” your friends. Your obsession with your friends’ partners could have resulted from various reasons; it could be that you are uncertain of what you want in a man and when you see your friends happy, you figure that that is the face of happiness. Distancing yourself from your friends will not make it any easier for you, it will only be running from the problem and you will find yourself lusting over your workmate’s husbands. It is probably time you figured out what you would like in a man and get one who fits the bill. That way, you will be less tempted by your friend’s men. You also probably get carried away by happiness face value; you think that just because people look happy, they definitely are. At times people put a brave face and smile when things are not very good. You probably see that in your friends leading you to think that their men are angels of sorts. No one is.

Collins, 26, is married

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Patrick

Stay away from him

I can see from what you say that it’s not about the guy but rather the fact that he is your pal’s man and that’s where the attraction comes from. I also see that it’s not your own doing but it just comes naturally and you can’t control it. Try and follow these simple guidelines to avoid being the ‘friend no one wants to talk to’ among your friends;

Don’t go out of your way to impress him. Treat him like any other normal guy. If you find yourself over dressed because you know he is coming, you are doing something wrong. 

Reduce the time you spend with the couple. If possible, let her man be her business. Avoid places you are sure to find him. 

Finally, try to improve your friendship with your friend. Be as nice as you can to her, spend loads of time with just her. The closer you are to her, the less likely you are to want to hook up with her boyfriend, because you won’t want to hurt her. Good luck!

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship.