My husband and I have been married for five years now. Like any normal couple, we have our good times and the absolute nightmarish ones. I really hate fighting with him but these days it is getting pretty popular with us.

Our biggest problem is the overuse of sarcasm. It’s such a common way to communicate, but we forget how frustrating it can be when you actually need to say something. I literally can’t remember the last time we were civil to each other throughout an entire week and frankly I am sick of it. But my husband chooses to pick a fight over the pettiest of things.

Every time I sit him down to talk, he makes a sarcastic remark and I am forced to retaliate. Much as I love my husband and know that he loves me too, I’m worried that these fights will one day lead to separation or worse, divorce, and I can’t have that. How do I get us to communicate amicably?  

Nancy

Tone down the sarcasm

It could be that one of you two doesn’t get sarcasm, if both of you are always making sarcastic comments and getting back at each other, it shouldn’t piss you off.  

Much as you may be afraid about the fights that you have, it could be a sign that you really like each other as you are still together. Most people who rarely have arguments have it, not that they are in the best terms, but because they keep it locked deep down, causing higher chances of divorce.

Civility can be at times boring, it always sounds like a scripted conversation that lacks life in it. You should probably be the greater person and try to learn the undertones of his sarcastic talk and remarks so that it doesn’t piss you off anymore. With that you will rarely get angry because of what he says.

If that is too much you could do it the easy boring way and explain to him that the sarcastic comments are beginning to get to you and it would be better if you addressed each other civilly.

Picking fights because of the petty things could stem from a number of things including feeling that you are not giving him enough attention. 

Collins, 26, is married

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Seek professional help

There is no problem that can be solved without communication. Clearly that isn’t about to happen with the two of you. Therefore, get a third party but make sure you restrain from using friends. Get someone that doesn’t know both of you – someone impartial, preferably a counselor who will listen to both sides and make a fair analysis of the situation.

You must be careful about this though. Make sure that before you set the appointment, you have both agreed on it. It will do no good if one isn’t on board and will only trigger another fight.  

The two of you have gotten so used to  bickering and throwing sarcastic comments at each other that telling you to sit down and force yourselves to have a decent conversation would be a waste of time.

You say you have your good times - I suggest that when things cool down and you are back to being civil, use that time to talk to him and tell him you don’t want to fight anymore. That’s a good a time as any.

Otherwise you are just going to keep on fighting and since you never argue decently, you won’t solve anything. Good luck to the both of you.

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship

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Be the change you want to see in him

It’s really hurtful that your husband has chosen the sarcastic way as the right channel of communication. Sarcasm can be tolerated once in a while but when it’s overused, it becomes annoying. As you choose to repair your relationship than throw it away, I would implore you to try and get him to be serious when you actually want to have a civil conversation. He should be able to listen and understand you without being "stupid”.

In relationships, such behaviours come up when a couple stops working on the tiny bits that tighten the union and usually rubbish them as something simple but in the long-run it is such problems that break the marriage. Whereas your husband is at fault, you are also to blame for retaliating every time he acts childish. I know you are human and your patience can be stretched but be the change that you want to see in your husband.

Start by acting civil even when he is annoying, politely "call him out’ when he seems not to get the point and tell him how he hurts your feelings. If he doesn’t change, try seeking for help from a trusted family friend, relative or a professional counselor. Hope it gets better.  

Dean, 28, is single