My daughter constantly tells lies. For instance, whenever she makes a mistake, she blames her sister — who isn’t even around when it happens. I’ve tried talking to her about the untruths, but she gets so angry that I can’t really get through to her. What should I do?

Aggie

Dear Aggie,

Depending on the age of your child, fibbing is usually a way to get attention. There is something your child is trying to tell you that she/he may not know how to express. A four-year old may have fantasies that she can’t distinguish from reality. She might boast to her friends: "My mom bought me a little house full of dolls that I keep in my room, it’s so big, I can even get into it!” 

Although this fib isn’t true, it’s important to authenticate her feelings. "I know you really WISH this were true, but you are saying things that aren’t true, and your friends might not believe you anymore next time you tell them something.” 

Come up with ways she can still express her fantasies: "Today, I IMAGINED that I had a huge house in my room....” Reinforce this with reading books like "Cry Wolf” A seven-year old telling a lie has a little more significance since they can distinguish fantasy from reality. Nevertheless, it is still important to authenticate his feelings. "My dad hits me.” — he may say to his teachers. When this is CLEARLY not true, he may be trying to communicate that something about his relationship with his dad hurts. 

Take the time to investigate and talk to your son. "I know there’s something that makes your feel very hurt, as if you were hit by dad, but this isn’t true and by saying this you are hurting daddy for real.” 

My point is DON”T BE SO QUICK to admonish or punish the lies and fibs...help your child identify their feelings FIRST, help them deal with those feelings in other appropriate ways, and help them understand the consequences of lying, or fibbing.

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