I am  a 30-year-old single mother of one. My boy will be ten years old in June. He is my life. His father died in a car crash when he was younger and he’s all I have left as I do not have any family myself. Last year, I started dating this guy and it has been going really great except for one thing - my son has refused to warm up to him.

I have tried to bring him around often so they can play, talk and get to know each other, but my son always ends up locking himself in his room. I do not understand it. I have spoken to him and ecerytime we talk, he says he will be better but the same thing happens.

I am now seriously considering letting this guy go because if my son is not comfortable around him, then I don’t see how it will work. There’s just one little problem - I am so in love with him. What do I do?

Carol

He will come around

Your boyfriend and son not getting along is probably because your son feels too grown up and protective of you that he doesn’t want to see you go out with other men for fear that that they could hurt you.

He was probably under the impression that you two were happy and did not need a third party to feel happy.  He probably felt that you were happy with him and it would remain so for a long time.

It could be that it is not that he habours a dislike for your boyfriend; it could be that he sees your new boyfriend as an intruder.

Trying to have them spend time together almost forcefully as you have been attempting may even deepen the ill feeling that he has for him as he will see it as forceful fatherhood.

It would be ideal if you let him gradually come around to like him; speak well of your boyfriend once in a while though not all the time.

Let him see the ‘cool’ side to your boyfriend without it seeming like you are actually forcing it. Kids are not forced to like people, strangers grow on kids gradually.

Collins, 26, is married

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Don’t force a ‘new daddy’ on your son

I really don’t think you should leave this guy, rather, fight tooth and nail to make things work between your child and your boyfriend. Obviously your child won’t make an effort, so your boyfriend should be the one to walk the extra mile to get your son to warm up to him.  

Let the child know that he isn’t trying to replace his father. That is probably the reason the kid doesn’t like him. And no matter how frustrating the situation is, he must always remember to be patient with the kid.

Snapping of any kind will only make the kid afraid of him and you don’t want that! As a couple, restrain from PDA (public display of affection), if your child hates the guy, he will hate it even more when he watches him holding you inappropriately. Also, there is such a thing as trying too hard; some kids can see right through it.  

So bribery or trying to buy the kid’s affection is out of the question – unless he takes him on a trip to Disneyland! Also, he should not try to discipline him; should he do something wrong, advise him to sit and talk to him like he understands the situation. The kid will like him better when he does not go all ‘step daddy’ on him. 

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship

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Talk to your son

Carol, it is sad that your son hasn’t warmed up to your boyfriend yet but don’t rush to think that your son dislikes him. These are totally two different scenarios. But first things first, you need to ask yourselves two questions. One, you need to know if your son could be picking up on something about your boyfriend or he just doesn’t want anyone dating his mother.

If he saw the hurt you experienced without a husband and father to your child, maybe he is afraid that your new man will hurt you again. He might be ten-years -old but remember that you owe him an explanation because any decision you make will definitely influence him too.

You will be shocked that your son noticed something that you are not able to see – you’re deeply in love to notice anything. And again, I understand that you want to be happy with this man which is understandable and that is why you are going to be patient with both of them.

If your boyfriend is considerate, he’ll have no problem waiting for the transition to end. Saying that he cares about your child is not enough, he needs to show it and prove his worth to your son. Weigh all options before making a decision.

Dean, 28, is single