My boyfriend and I attended a funeral about two days ago (I will soon find out why this excuse of a man takes me to funerals and not weddings). Anyway I sat there silently hoping to become a wife, after all, he did promise to introduce me to his family. My day dreaming was interrupted by some middle aged woman.

This is what happened, the priest asked us to close our eyes and pray for the departed but I was not about to do that, at least not after what Kibwetere did to those Ugandans that he roasted like muchomo.  Anyway I only closed one eye and left the other open; one of us had to watch the priest right? Now, did you know that at some funerals people buy mourners? Some random woman let out a piercing scream so loud that it would have woken those resting peacefully in the nearby graveyard, scaring the priest off the pulpit and he fell down. I laughed. 

Anyhow, some man came around and tried to talk to the woman urging her to calm down but she just run around the church like a little child. He run after her whispering pleas but they fell on deaf ears.

 I thought she had been attacked by a demon. The man had higher chances of being struck by lightning in church than catching this woman.  So when she run towards me, to save all of us the useless drama, I put out my leg in her path and she tripped. Like a bag of potatoes, she was on the floor. 

I burst out laughing but I was alone; for some strange reason, no one laughed with me. Anyway, when this chick got up, with a suddenly dry face, she asked me what my problem was.  Her voice had no emotion whatsoever, she wasn’t a bloody mourner, she was looking for dimes. What killed me is that in exactly one minute, she was back to her dramatic wailing.  

When they started serving food, she leaped for the plate like she hadn’t seen food in years – although the muscle on her suggested otherwise. She then proceeded to devour it like eating was running out of fashion, not once taking her eyes off her plate. As if she hadn’t humoured me enough, she turned to the guy next to her and asked him if she could help him with his food as he didn’t look too keen about it.  Thinking she was too full and therefore a little lazy to carry on her wailing, I relaxed. But within two minutes of finishing the food, she was back at it again. I had no option but to rest my case.

So for some of you who are broke and jobless perhaps you could try your luck at mourning at funerals, I don’t know about the pay but hey, it’s better than nothing, I’m heading to apply.