So, I’ve been seeing this guy for like eight months now. He calls and texts more often than any past boyfriends of mine did. We connect on so many levels and every time I am with him, I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I think this could be the real thing. There is just one problem.

Years back I found out that I can’t have kids. If one day he realises that I’m the woman for him, how will I ever tell him that I can’t concieve? Everytime I’ve tried, I freaked out. I have seen him around kids and he is just great with them. He has also hinted that he would like to have his own some day.

What do I do? This is really worrying me as I have been told that a man determined to have his own kid will go out and get it from another woman and even at the risk of sounding selfish, I do not want that. Any advice on how to handle this?

Shanita, Kacyiru

The sooner you come clean the better

Your fears are justified, your boyfriend has an affection for children and your body fails you as you cannot conceive.

There are truths we can keep away from those we love, but this is not one of them. You can keep silent about it now for the next one year but sooner or later he will have questions.

The sooner you face it, the faster you free yourself from worry and the sooner you embark on a course of action.

Tell him as soon as you can that you have trouble conceiving. If he is as understanding as you say, you will work a way out. If not, you will still have a chance to get one who won’t see it as much of an issue. Break the news to him slowly, it will be easier for you and for him too. Give him a little background of your situation and condition and also explain to him ways like  adoption.

Your state should not cause you to see yourself as a lesser being who doesn’t deserve love.

You didn’t ask for it, you don’t deserve to suffer for it. You deserve to be loved.

Collins, 26, is married

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He might be more understanding than you think

I have no words to express how badly it hurts me that you can’t give birth. That is every woman’s dream but not all hope is lost. 

A relationship is a two-way street and we don’t get what we want but always try to make things work. I know it is hard not to have your own children or your boyfriend going ahead with you knowing your condition but I believe there’s more to you than giving birth. First of all, sit down with him and talk, honesty and communication are the main elements here. 

The Bible says that a woman is a "partner” and having babies is a gift/bonus from God. I’m not a very religious person but I believe in miracles. Secondly, science and technology have provided solutions. Reach out to fertility clinics for more information that can offer alternatives to your problem. Then, discuss them with your lover and together, try and come up with a solution. Rather than run away from the problem, face it. Just remember that the ability of any parent is not measured by having children but the courage to raise one. 

Patrick, 22, is in a stable relationship

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Stop being selfish

It sounds to me like you’ve already made up your mind to marry him although it is obvious that he hasn’t proposed to you. 

Step out of dream-land first, a guy calling you more than all your exes combined is not enough to make you start thinking about getting married to him. Men are hunters in nature and if he is still hunting, then expect him to even attempt the unthinkable. 

This is where most women go wrong because giving attention is among the things we do best. And then, what are you doing leading him on when you very well know that you are not able to give birth? This is the real picture, when he finds out he will leave for another woman and you will get heartbroken. If you are married by the time he finds out, prepare to be a second wife. Stop being selfish.

Have all the fun that you can have with him for now but remember to let go before you become the girl who messed up his life. By the way, don’t mix your emotions with pleasure, draw the line. 

Dean, 28, is single