On Christmas Eve, I hosted two friends (Anita and Jacky) at home for a little drink and our conversation flowed very well until Anita started complaining about a man who had promised to take her but was not calling to come pick her up.

She kept complaining and hurling insults at a man who wasn’t even around until he finally called. Within a blink of an eye she had vanished, leaving the two of in completely different conversation, about money in relationships. 

After she had left, Jacky (her friend) told me how Anita operates. Every prospect suitor has to spend on her if he is to stand a chance with her. Basically, spend this and you get that. Spend a little more and get more. Spend everything you have, and the ‘benefits’ will multiply but if you can’t spend on her, it would be wise to keep stepping and if you don’t step fast enough, she’ll give you a few choice words to carry you out the door.

I therefore asked her why Anita treats men like they are money-minting-machines. It is commonly said that "If you ask a question you don’t really want an answer to, expect an answer you didn’t want to hear” and that’s what I got from Jacky. She said that men are largely to blame for the "gold digging” habits of most women.

"Why would some guy go and buy a girl an item he has no business buying her? Rather than advice girls on how they can earn, work, save and invest their money, men simply hand over their cheque books. So are we [women] to blame?” 

This assertion caught me totally off-guard and I was immediately defeated. I thought about it and realized there’s an enormous amount of truth in it. Therefore, men, before you insult your ex-girlfriend, fiancée, wife or the lady you currently have your eyes set upon but cannot afford, turn to your male friend and blame him for the situation. Why? Because one man’s action seems to have triggered a domino-effect that has spread around the entire world and now the women are to blame.  

A fortnight ago, I was invited to a birthday party of less than 10 people in one of the exotic restaurants in Kigali City and the shocker was the birthday girl’s boyfriend’s speech. During his speech he mentioned the birthday gift he was giving the girl, a brand new car. Keep in mind that they are still dating—just girl and boy friend. 

The guests, including myself, were all speechless. Not because it’s an uncommon practice, but the simplicity with which it was said. I wondered what the girls in attendance were thinking and how they were going to rip their boyfriends’ poor souls out by asking them for a car or a house. 

I proceeded to talk to a few individuals, who I trust to be logical and some of them share the same sentiments. Duncan Muhoozi says: "A girl will not steal or force a man to give her money. Men give it freely, so why would she strain herself to work when she can get money freely. It’s ok to give her gifts and if she asks for money, you can give her but while at it; advise and help her find a decent job from where she can earn, it shouldn’t be a daily routine. Otherwise, if you give her money expecting to be paid back in sexual terms, you have no reason to complain.”

The essence of love can be redefined based on experience and familiarity. What do you expect if your current girlfriend’s previous guys lavished her with material things? Chances are, she’ll begin to identify materialism and gifts as love, which is why she may expect the same from you if you love her. As long a man continues to spend huge sums of money on a woman, she will expect more of it and will start seeing it as a normal way of life. 

But a one Andrew disagrees with this school of thought. He says that "why shouldn’t I show off what I have? If I show off, does it mean that women should come and ‘gold dig?’  They need to learn how to make their own money and stop trying to collect from where they didn’t invest and that’s why I agree with certain aspects of feminism.” 

However much his argument might have some logic in it, Batamuliza Daphine trashed his argument. She says "Men like to flaunt what they have. According to the U K based newspaper The Telegraph, "men buy nice expensive cars because they believe it makes them more attractive to women.” Simply put, these men are telling women that there’s more from where that came from. So, what Andrew is saying is akin to a lady who dresses like a whore and flaunts herself in front of men. She’s telling him "I’m available for sex”. She’s advertising her body, he advertises his money. 

Men should desist from the habit of blaming women and start blaming themselves for starting and fostering the culture of ‘gold digging.’ When a man shows off his wealth to attract a woman and later calls her a ‘gold digger’, it shows his stupidity. Nevertheless, some people believe that both parties are to blame for this trend.

Maniragaba Ezekiel, an elder says, both parties are to blame. "You find a man driving his Land Cruiser stopping to ask a young, strange girl fit to be his daughter out for dinner at any hotel. The girl is impressed by the offer and before long, this sparks off an interesting exchange of money and sex relationship.”

His thought reminded me of sugar-daddies who leave their children and wife at home with no food only to find him buying a young girl a phone worth Rwf300,000 and then later label her a ‘gold digger.’ It just doesn’t make sense. 

For the women, Maniragaba says "I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard women say "I can never marry a poor man, why should I suffer? A man who can’t afford to maintain my lifestyle doesn’t deserve me.” Eventually, this breeds the pay-to-play mentality where women maintain that "I’d rather cry in a Benz than laugh on a bicycle””.

As the old adage goes "monkey see as monkey do”, men too are to be blamed for accepting to be used as a money-minting-machines while women should be blamed for demeaning these men and allowing their bodies to be used like a theme park. Remember: it all started with one man, and the girl did what most girls would do; spread the word. If it started with a man giving, it can end with a man not giving.