Everything we know about biblical history after Jesus’ birth could be quite different than it was if Jesus Christ was alive in our era. As we shall see, no wonder he was born when he was. The Society team shares a few hypothetical scenarios of what things would be like if Jesus was born today.

And His parents would be?- By Rachel Garuka

This might sound unfair, some will sneer, others will silently agree and the rest…well…I don’t know what the rest will do. What I do know however, according to the greatest story ever told, Jesus was born to a virgin. 

Considering these days high school kids are going at it like rabbits (the truth is bitter, I know…not cool kids) if we can just be honest with ourselves, it would be mighty hard to find a virgin (if we can get one) fit to mother Jesus in this day and age!

For one, virgins are slowly but surely going extinct… unless you were born in the 2000’s or late 90’s, virgins are a rare sort. Two, even if  you did find one, she’d probably be drunk or sucking on a cancer stick, seeing as kids these days guzzle alcohol like it too will go extinct!

And too be honest, God doesn’t want a drunk virgin giving birth to His son. (Would you? I didn’t think so.)

Moving on…if God was able to find that sweet and innocent virgin, chances are seriously high that the man ready to marry her will scatter for the hills and not look back should she try to fool him with stories of being impregnated by the Holy Spirit. I don’t know about white folks, but black men, especially Africans, will send that chick packing if he is polite or simply vanish like a fart in the wind and never be heard from again.

In the real story, apparently Angel Gabriel visited Joseph and told him not to be afraid of what was to come. But you see, to a true African man, Angel Gabriel could very well be some ancient ghost back to haunt him for all he knows. I dare a man in this era to see an angel, hear him speak and not pass out or simply scream till his lungs retire thinking he is being attacked by demons!

If he can even stay in that room for more than two seconds, I swear, I offer my life and everything interesting in it! He would probably accuse his wife of witchcraft and sending him spirits to traumatise him. Should he for some strange reason decide to stick around and she gets pregnant yet he recalls agreeing to ‘do it’ for the first time the night they get married to make it special, he will remember the ghost that visited him and confirm his fears about witchcraft. 

And I know it is important to have faith but seriously, when word gets out about the virgin who got pregnant and is expecting God’s child, to be honest, it has to happen first for me to get the right words to explain the aftermath. Let’s say Jesus comes back as an adult, He will still have a hard time convincing people it is actually Him, the miracles He performs would only establish Him as a very very good magician or to some, witch! 

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What would the authorities do?- By Dean Karemera

If Jesus was born today, the Biblical story would be different. Back then, there were very few places to stay and all of them were full, so the couple had to use a barn. There was no global warming so the weather was mostly breezy and warm. There were no checkpoints, patrolling soldiers and police and loud pounding music coming from bars. Travelling at night wasn’t dangerous and goons were easily scared. But what would happen if Joseph and Mary were teleported into our time? How would the authorities react? 

Right now, there are plenty of hotels where they can stay for the night. After checking in, the hotel management will advise them to find a hospital for safe delivery. On checking in at the hospital, Joseph and Mary will be requested to show identification and when they do, they will find out just how young the pregnant girl is.  As Mary is taken to the labour ward, police will be called and informed about the underage girl and the old man she says is her husband. 

In a split second, police will storm the hospital and find a worried Joseph in the waiting area. The police will question him about the underage girl, to which he will reply that she’s carrying ‘God’s son’. This is when the police will slap him, accusing him of insulting their intelligence. This is when some foreigners dressed in Mid-Eastern attire will enter the hospital asking to pay tribute to the Messiah, and the police will be convinced they are being punked!

Noticing that no one is running out with a camera to ‘unpunk’ them, the police officers will immediately suspect that more people will swarm the place and cause chaos. They will proceed to take Joseph to the police station while another officer will stay with Mary to avoid any chaos. Police will immediately alert the Minister of Internal security and the police chief, who in turn will inform the President. All the top brass of the security apparatus  will hold a crisis meeting to discuss the possibility of an uprising fearing the Republic might be turned into a monarch. The news is immediately circulated on social media and traffic immediately chokes up. Neighbouring countries will be on high alert to avoid the same ‘uprising’ spilling over into their territories.

During questioning, Joseph will be charged and convicted of defilement and disruspting order. The faithful will head to the hospital. Police will sneak Mary away and while they are talking to her, she will tell the story of Jesus being God’s son and how she’s still a virgin. This convinces the officers that Mary is mentally unstable and she will be driven to a psychiatric hospital. 

At the hospital, Jesus will be adopted but his name will be changed by his foster parents who believe the name is blasphemous. Jesus will grow up very fast and discover who He really is. As He visits churches and gains a big following, the Government will worry that He might form a rowdy political party and disturb the peace. He will be imprisoned several times; because to many, He will be an imposter who wants to con people. Should He perform a miracle, people will quickly judge His miracles as "black magic” and accuse Him of being an agent of the devil. 

He might in the end be arraigned before court on ridiculous con charges and either sentenced to death or life imprisonment depending on the laws of the land. His followers will run for dear life. Although this is a fictional story, if Jesus returned today in a blaze of glory like no one else could possibly do - would anyone believe it? 

Merry Christmas.

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How would the media handle it?- By Collins Mwai

What if Jesus was born in the modern day, in days where we learn more from social media than anywhere else? What if Jesus was born in the 21 century where information news is shared as it happens leaving audiences to draw conclusions for themselves?

It would probably begin on a random evening with Twitter, the home of rumours, tips and unconfirmed reports. A social media news dispenser, bigwig, would compress the development into 140 characters and dispense it to His followers. It would be followed by endless retweets and replies, some alleging that the source is probably high on cheap drugs. The tweet would be something like "there is fuss over a new born kid, with parents and a few others claiming he is God’s Son! LOL #crazyfolks”

Facebook would pick it up from there rephrasing the initial tweet into simpler language that would double the initial word count. The comments would be funnier on this platform.

The midwife assisting the virgin Mary would post a Twitpic to back the initial sources’ information and after a few minutes it would be on everyone’s timelines. By now, it would be the trending topic on the two major social media platforms. The image on twitter would not be immune to editing, a pastime of a number of social media users. The edited image would probably mock the ‘new king’ crowning his head and a gold necklace around his neck. As always, Facebook users would steal the good jokes from twitter and repost them as theirs.

The image of the ‘Son of God’ would be subject to Memes and weird comments but there would be a few believers who would take it seriously and try to defend Him from the comfort of their beds making them the laughing stock.

Come the next morning, there would be blog posts about it on wordpress and other bloggers’ platforms, some of them in defence of ‘the new king’ and others making fun claiming that insanity is on the rise. The most hilarious thing, however, would be the comments under the posts with people going at each other while defending their line of thought.

Newspapers would probably take it slow with the fear of looking unbelievable but bold ones like ‘Daily mail’ would not resist the temptation.

All this time there would be twitter users going at each other all claiming to be the initial source of the information.

If anything is on YouTube, then it is true. The news would lastly be carried in the form of video clip of a new born baby with a star above Him and His mother, a naïve virgin trying to breastfeed him.

TV crews would then flock the scene all trying to get an exclusive interview with the first time parents and a shot of the newborn. In the midst of reporters, writers and photographers would somehow manage to take a clear image of the baby for the front page of the next issue.

If Jesus was born today, amidst all the trending topics and news of wars and conflict that reporters view as real work, probably few of us would be concerned to follow news of His birth, may be.

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What would His activities be like?- By Patrick Buchana

After 30 years of his life on earth, Jesus started his activities of preaching, healing and picking his followers. In the old times, fishermen were the ones. When Jesus was choosing his disciples, he picked fishermen and asked them to join Him and be fishers of men. Today, if He told someone that, they would probably think He was one of those people-trafficking chaps that take people to other countries to do all sorts of shady things. 

Money and power are the two things that matter most to some people today. Who today would leave their job to follow a man claiming to be Jesus with no promise of a salary, allowance or even accommodation? Their relatives would call them stupid as it is simply ridiculous and it won’t yield any income.

Those days, any woman that committed adultery was to be stoned to death. Mary Magdalene survived by the skin of her teeth when Jesus asked the stoners to cast the first stone if any of them had never sinned. Imagine a criminal in this era running to Jesus because he has been found guilty of something and Jesus looks up to the Judge and says, "If you have never sinned, sentence this person.” I’m guessing He could end up in the same cell with the criminal.  

John 2:13-15:The Passover of the Jews was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. In the temple He found those who were selling oxen and sheep and pigeons, and the money-changers at their business. Making a whip of cords, he drove them all, with the sheep and oxen, out of the temple; and he poured out the coins of the money-changers and overturned their tables.” If you did this today, you have basically pressed the wrong button messing with someone’s business. Considering some pastors have turned the church into some sort of business, I‘m not sure what would go down here.

Long ago, walking was the in thing but today, for one to move to spread the Gospel, they will definitely need a car. Now as far as I know there are just a few cars that can accommodate 12 people, unless Jesus and His crew want to get in trouble with the police by overloading passengers. In this case, they might opt for a convoy of cars. I guess Land cruisers would be good seeing as they have the whole open roof thing and Jesus can always wave to people as he drives by. 

You know how every famous person has a reality TV show? The Kardashians would definitely be forgotten as everyone will be interested in the man that can walk on water, heal the blind, and turn water into wine or in this case, whisky!

Talking about raising the dead, who wouldn’t want Him to bring back a loved one? So you see, you will have people from Cambodia, to America, to Jamaica to Togo and Portugal grabbing the first plane out of the country to seek the man. Everyone would want Him in their country so it could damn near start World War 3!